Really funny jokes-Engineer

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day G~d calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
G~d replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
G~d says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?

Humor jokes-Change something

Bill was having a drink in a bar with his friend Doug.
Doug asked, "If you were given a choice to change something 'bout you, what would you change?"
Bill said, "I wouldn't gamble."
"Did you lose a lot of money?" Doug asked sympathetically.
"No, I made a lot of money," Bill muttered. "But, I used it to get married."

Really funny jokes-The New Lawyer

A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, Father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"
His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it WOULD go on forever, son. I said that it COULD go on forever! When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"

Clean jokes-Dumb Sky Diver

An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.
The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn’t open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn’t open.
Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, “I’ll bet the truck won’t be waiting for me either.”

Humor jokes-Grocery shopping

A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans", he says.
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
"Whoa, what do you think you're doing?" asks the man.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
The man replies...
"SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER & IT'S HALF THE PRICE"!

Really funny jokes-Arrested for stealing

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could
say something. He said, " What is it? "
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Kids jokes-Game show

I was on family leave, spending my days caring for my two-year-old son while pregnant with my second. To kill some time, I began watching the Game Show Network, and I got hooked. One afternoon my husband came home from work to find the house in complete disarray and me plopped in front of the TV. "So that's what you do while I'm at work?" he said smirking.
"I just happened to have it on," I lied.
The next day we were watching President Bush give a speech. As Mr Bush stepped out of his car and waved to his cheering supporters, my son shouted, "Look, Mommy, he won the car!"