Hilarious jokes-Story line

Jany was reading a story from a book to her daughter. The daughter interrupted: “Mom, why does every story start with ‘Once upon a time’? Isn’t there any other line?”

Mom: “Sure there is. There's another line which begins like ‘Dear, there is a meeting in the office and I will be late.....’”

Hilarious jokes-Market broker

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained Amy, my yoga batch mate and the wife of a stock market broker. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

Hilarious book titles

Hilarious Book Titles

1) Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself (A book for woodworkers)

2) Knitting with Dog Hair

3) Wood Carving with a Chain Saw

4) Drying Flowers With A Microwave

5) Nuclear War: What's In It For You?

6) How Green were the Nazis?

7) Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them

8) How to Avoid Huge Ships

9) Bomb Proof Your House

10)Waterproofing Your Child

Really funny jokes-Pull Over

Sara was driving home from work when she noticed a Policeman following her.

"Pull over!" the cop announced.

Sara pulled over and rolled down the window as the officer approached her.

"You were exceeding the speed limit, Ma'am," the police officer said. "You are also not wearing your seat belt. I'm going to have to write you a ticket." He then wrote her $25.00 ticket.

Back home, Sara was wondering how she was going to explain this to her husband who would no doubt notice the fee in their checkbook. Suddenly she had a bright idea.

Opening the checkbook register, she made the following entry: One Pullover, $25.00.

Really funny jokes-Women and gossip

Rita noticed that her friend, Julie, who was standing at a distance, was having a conversation with another friend. Judging by their gestures, Rita suspected that the conversation involved a secret.

When the other woman left, Rita walked up to Julie ans asked "What did she tell you?"

"Now you know I never repeat gossip," said Julie.

"All right," Rita sighed.

Immediately, Julie whispered, "So listen carefully the first time!"

Really funny jokes-Victim’s relative

Bob had just finished his course in journalism and joined a newspaper agency. His boss sent him out on field to get some exciting news. At one place, he saw a mob gathered in a tight circle. He learnt that there was a fatal accident. Bob tried to get inside the circle but could not. He had a bright idea and shouted: “Move over, move over, I am related to the victim.”

Immediately, the crowd made space for him. Pleased with his own quick wit, Bob proceeded and reached the spot and guess what?

He saw a donkey lying dead.

Funny jokes-Huge wife

Dave said to his friend Peter, "My wife is so huge, she was relaxing on the beach when the coastguard asked her to move because the tide was waiting to come in."

Peter, not to be left behind, replied, "You got to hear about my wife then. She is so big, she was sitting on the beach the other day when Greenpeace tried to refloat her."

Blood flow

A physical instructor was giving practical demonstrations of various physical positions. He stood on his head and blood ran to his head making his face turn red. Later he asked: “When I turned upside down, blood ran to my face. Now tell me, why the same thing does not happen when I am on my feet?”

A back bencher replied: “May be because your feet are not empty?”

Collar size

Dean was suffering from bad health for some time. His eyes bulged out, his throat was swollen and he made peculiar sounds when he spoke.
 

The doctor declared that Dean did not have long to live. Undaunted, Dean decided to live life king size till the end. He ordered the best wines and food. He went to a tailor and ordered new shirts, trousers and suit. The tailor suggested 16 size collar. Dean insisted that he would prefer to have size 14 as he always wore that size.
 

The tailor suggested: “Fine sir, if you insist, I can give you size 14, but I must warn you that your size is 16. If I give you 14, your eyes will bulge out, your throat will swell and you will make croaking sound when you speak."

Hilarious jokes-Too long in the toilet

Little Tommy was sitting on the toilet pot. His mother thought he was taking too long, so she went into the bathroom to check on him. Tommy was there sitting on the toilet seat reading a book. But every few seconds, he would put the book down, grab the toilet seat with one hand, and hit himself on top of the head with the other hand.

His mother found this strange and asked: "Tommy, are you okay? You've been in here for a while."

Little Tommy replied, "I'm fine, mom, I just haven't done my potty yet."

His mother said, "That's all right, sweety, you can stay here for some more time, but why do you keep hitting yourself on the head?"

Little Tommy replied: "Works for ketchup."

Really funny jokes-Speeding cars

A village was facing a problem of speeding cars resulting in accidents every now and then.

The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down Old People's Home. It had no effect.

At the next meeting, it was decided to work on the paternal instincts and put up a sign:
Danger - Children at Play.
No discernible reduction in traffic speed.

Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with:
Cloth-less Colony.

As a result of the notice, white vans and lorries crawl throughout the village now.

The Clintons

Hillary Clinton says she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing a lot. 

Bill said, 'Yeah, that's why I'm always alone on the computer in my room, e-mailing my family.'''

Hilarious jokes-Baby Hair

Anita gave birth to a healthy baby boy. An old aunt who came to visit her, noticed that the baby had flaming red hair.

"I see that you have black hair", she said to Anita, "What color is the fathers' hair?".

"I have no idea", answered Anita, "He was wearing a hat".

Really funny jokes-American Pizza in Japan

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what you order: pepper only."

Funny jokes-Too jealous to handle!

What could be the extent of your jealously?

I know of a woman who was so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hair on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

Really funny jokes-Wanna see my underwear?

The blind date hadn't been all that great and Susan was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She took one look and said, "Nice design. Does it also come in men's sizes?"

Hilarious jokes-Substitute

Martin was working in a small town as branch manager of a financial institution. The rule stipulated that if a branch manager of a small branch needed leave for some reason, he had to inform the nearest city office which would send a substitute to take charge of the town office.

Martin’s wife got sick and he needed leave for a few days. The city office received a cable which read: “Wife sick, send substitute for a week.”

Really funny jokes-Pass the ball

A big boned, burly college student decided to try his hand at football so he approached the coach. The coach wanted the boy to tackle the football. The boy ran smack into an electric pole and shattered it. The coach, now impressed asked him to run and the boy ran zigzag like a deer runs for its life.

“That’s really nice. But can you pass the ball? That’s what counts.” said the coach.

The boy was thoughtful while the coach was waiting. Finally he said: “It’s like this sir. If I can swallow it, I guess I can pass it too.”

Hilarious jokes-Billy Joe, the portrait artist

Billy Joe, though not a scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew far and wide...and soon people from all over the country were coming to his home town to have portraits done.

One day, a limousine pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked Billy Joe if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Billy Joe. The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $75,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Jena, his missus.

In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

Funny jokes-Four food groups

All my life, I have struggled to break free from each of the four food groups:

the chocolate group,
the fried snack group,
the caffeine group,
and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.