Interview for a Zoo-keeper

A man applied for the job of a Zoo-keeper and was called for an interview.

An officer called the man into his office, asked him to take a seat to begin the interview.

"So, what experience do you have in this field?" the officer asked.

"Let me assure you I am more than qualified for this job", the man replied.

"Okay, I would like to know about your experience" the officer said.

"I was raised in the Himalayan Mountains in Nepal by monkeys." the man replied.

The officer was convinced he was dealing with a crack case here but was interested in hearing his story anyway. He asked, "Really? What did you say your name was again?"

"Tim...Tim Pan-Zee."

Really funny jokes-Confused father

John and Martha had become parents for the first time.

One day, Martha had to go out for some shopping and John volunteered to stay at home and look after the baby. Soon after Martha left, the baby started to cry. John did everything to pacify the baby, but the little boy would just not stop crying. John got really worried and decided to take the baby to a doctor.

After the doctor listened carefully to all that John had to say, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found it was indeed full.

"Here's the problem," the good doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."

John who was visibly confused remarked, "But the diaper package particularly says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

Commitment phobia!

Judy : I fail to understand what makes men so scared of commitment!

Vinnie : You are telling me! I dated this guy for a two years, and finally had to give him an ultimatum.

Judy: What did you tell him?

Vinnie: I just told him, "Look, you better tell me your last name, or its quits!"

Really funny jokes-Good habits

Miss Prim-and-proper said to her grandmother, "Grandma, you have impressed me today. "

Her grandmother asked, "What did I do to impress you?"

Miss Prim-and-proper replied, "I noticed that you have finally formed the habit of covering your mouth with your hand when you sneeze."

Her grandmother said, "Yes, of course. How else am I supposed to catch my teeth?"

Funny jokes-Adventures in sky diving

Amy was interested in learning how to sky dive. She approached an instructor and started her training. The instructor asked her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord. He then told her that he would himself jump right behind her so that they would sail down together.

Amy said she was ready to jump. The instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. Amy jumped from the plane, and after being airborne for a while, pulled the rip cord. The instructor jumped after her. He pulled his rip cord but there was some snag and the parachute did not open. The instructor, furiously tried to open his parachute and while trying to do so, rushed past Amy. Amy seeing this, undid the straps to her parachute and shouted, "So you are in the mood to race, huh?"

Funny jokes-Bank Manager's dilemma

A Harley rider and his girlfriend go to a bank for a loan to purchase a home for themselves. They turn up in tight leather pants, both have long hair, tattoos, wear bandanas and dark shades.

The bank manager is in a bit of a fix and cannot understand which one is male and which one's female. Not sure how to convey his dilemma, he finally asks, "Ok, which one of you has the menstrual cycle?"

The biker replied,"Must be her, I ride a Harley."

Funny jokes-Act your age

A lady is running out of luck at the roulette table in a casino. She is left with only $500 and is absolutely desperate. She cries out, "This is the heights of bad luck! What in heaven's name should I do now?"

A gentleman standing next to her, tries to console her and says, "Why don't you just play your age?"

He goes away but in a short while, he hears some commotion and walks back to the roulette table. He is surprised to see the lady lying unconscious on the floor, while a crowd had gathered around her.

He asks the operator, "What happened to her? Is she ok?"

The operator replies, "I have no idea sir, she put all her money on 28. When 37 showed up, she just fainted!"

Funny jokes-Mafia don

A Mafia don calls his home.

The butler picks up the phone and says: Hello

Mafia don: Give the phone to my wife.

Butler: Just a moment.

The Butler comes back and says: She is in the bathroom.

Mafia Don: I said I want to speak to her NOW!

Butler: I am sorry but she cannot come to the phone right now.

Mafia Don: If you do not get her on the phone in a minute, I am going to blow your head into smithereens.

Butler (now scared): You do not understand, there is a man with her in the bathroom.

Mafia Don: What did you say??

Butler: Yes, it's true.

Mafia Don: Listen carefully, I want you to take the gun from my closet and then shoot them both.

Butler (scared out of his wits) : I can't do that, I can never kill anyone.

Mafia Don: Do it right now!

Butler: No, I can't!

Mafia Don: If you don't do it right now, I will kill you and your family. Now get on it with- I want to hear the shots, and don't forget to get rid of the gun.

Butler: Uh, all right.

The Mafia Don then hears two loud shots over the phone.

Butler (badly shaken) : I did it!

Mafia Don: Good work. What did you do with the gun?

Butler: I threw the gun in the pool.

Mafia Don: What pool are you talking about? We don't have a pool? Is this 747-5498?

Dark scary night

There was this traveler who was hitchhiking on a dark night with rain and thunderstorm. He was out of the city limit waiting for a ride. Time passed but there was no car in sight on this ghostly night. The wind was blowing hard and rain was lashing his face. He was tired, hungry and miserable and could hardly see anything in the dark. Then he saw a ghostlike figure of a car moving slowly, inch by inch towards him. He was desperate and so without waiting for usual formalities of asking permission, he took opportunity of the slow movement of the car, jumped in closing the door after him. Only then he saw that there was no one in the car, not even a driver. He could not hear the sound of engine and yet the car was moving.

The traveler was terrified. He began to pray for his safety as he had heard a lot of ghost stories in this area. He was too scared to make a move and jump out. So he sat frozen. Then all of a sudden, a hand from nowhere reached in from the front window to guide the car near a curve and disappeared as suddenly after negotiating the curve. The traveler was frozen scared. When the next curve came and the hand appeared from nowhere, he gathered his wits and jumped out of the slow moving car too fearful to see right and left and ran for his life. After what seemed an eternity he reached a small town and saw a bar in the middle of the road. Scared, wet and shocked, he barged into the bar and ordered three straight shots of whiskey on ice and gulped them down.

Regaining his breath, he told everyone present in the bar of his experience with the ghost car. People realized that he was no drunk shooting his mouth and was speaking the truth. All murmur stopped and there was pin drop silence. The atmosphere became spooky.

After about three quarters of an hour, Dean and Martin walked into the bar and Dean exclaimed: “Look over there to your right Mart, there sits that son of a gun who rode our car when we were pushing it in rain.”

Scary joke-Passing through the graveyard

On his way home, Bob is taking a shortcut through a graveyard in the middle of the night, when he is alarmed by a continuous tapping sound. As Bob moves closer to the source of the sound, he finds a man sitting by a grave and tapping at a headstone.

Bob notices that the man was adding the letter 'r' at the end of the name that was carved in the stone.

Tom says to the man, "A little late for work like that, isn't it?"

"Right", says the man. "But I don't like it when someone spells my name wrong."

The learning priest

Robert, the young priest, raised in a small sleepy town, is getting ready to hear confessions for the first time and he is nervous as hell. So he requests the older priest to sit in on his sessions, so he can gain some confidence.

The young priest hears a few confessions, after which the old priest suggests him to come out so they could have a discussion.

The Old priest says, "I suggest that you cross your arms, rub your chin and say things like "Ok, I see" or "Yes, carry on" or "I understand".

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin and repeats all the expressions the older priest had suggested.

The old priest remarks, "What do you say, isn't it better than slapping your knee and saying, "No bull.. what happened after that?"

Waitress witnessed terrible accident

As the waitress entered the bar, the bartender demanded, "Why are you late?"

The waitress explained,"It was terrible. I was crossing the road, when I witnessed a dreadful accident. A guy was hit by a speeding car and he was lying there on the street, with his hands and skull fractured. he was a bloody mess. Thank God I had taken that first-aid course."

The bartender asked, "How did you handle it?"

She replied, "I sat on the ground and put my head between my knees so I would not faint!"

Funny jokes-Knowledge pills

Circa 2062, mankind has advanced and found a way to package basic knowledge in pill form. 

Jim, a student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says: "Here's a pill for English literature." Jim takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature.

"What else do you have?" asks Jim.

"Well I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

Jim asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then Jim asks: "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back to the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plonks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires Jim.

The pharmacist replies, "Well you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

More funny things to do during an exam

 More funny things to do during an exam

1. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

2. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

3. Comment on how cute the instructor is looking that day.

4. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

5. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

6. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

7. Bring a water pistol with you.

8. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

9. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

10. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

11. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

12. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

13. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

14. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

15. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

16. One word: Wrestlemania.

17. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

18. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

19. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

20. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

21. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

22. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

23. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

24. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

25. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor ABC is a Terrible Teacher"

Really funny jokes-The excuse

Aron goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Aron" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Aron, "I knew I could count on you!"

A good wife

Martin and Tina were married for some time. Lately Martin was in two minds whether Tina was a good wife to him. One day Martin took his donkey to a field near his house to get some work done. After a while he saw Tina come towards them with food for him, fodder for the animal and water for both of them. That instant he decided that Tina was a good woman after all.

But when Tina was feeding the donkey, the animal kicked her in the head killing her instantly. Martin was sorry. At the funeral his friend Dean saw some women looking at Tina and then at Martin. Martin moved his head up and down. Dean next observed some men look at the donkey and then at Marin who shook his head side by side.

Later Dean asked Martin what it was all about. Martin said: “Women looked at me to confirm Tina was a good wife, I said ‘yes’. Next men looked at me, which meant if the donkey was for sale, I said ‘No.’”

Really funny jokes-New job at the cemetery

Tom: How do you like your new job at the cemetery?

Bob: I quit after a week. I found the work too frustrating.

Tom: What happened?

Bob: No matter what I said to the customers, they were always dead right!

Short funny jokes-Karate

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Really funny jokes-Respectful

Johnny and Michael were fishing in the river below the bridge. Suddenly they observed a funeral procession coming and passing their way. Johnny just dropped the fishing pole, stood at attention and bowed in reverence as the procession went past them.

Michael was mighty impressed and said: “Johnny boy that was a mighty respectful thing to do. I never knew you had this streak in you.”

Johnny: “Yeah man, that’s the least I can do. I was married to her for the past twenty two years.”

Really funny jokes-Paddy's friends

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. 

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.. 

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!' 

Moments later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. 

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. 

Once more Paddy shakes his head.. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!