Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Thứ Bảy, 14 tháng 2, 2009
Thứ Sáu, 13 tháng 2, 2009
Really funny jokes-What causes Arthritis?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with loose women and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with loose women and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
Teacher jokes-Believe
A wise school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
Thứ Tư, 11 tháng 2, 2009
Really funny jokes-Barbie
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.
The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.
The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."
Clean jokes-Sleeping Pills
Howard dragged himself into his doctor's office looking very exhausted.
"Doctor Kaine," he said, "there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep!"
"I have good news for you, Howard," Doctor Kaine said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," said Howard, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
Dr. Kaine gave him the pills. Howard thanked him and left.
Two weeks later, Howard came back to Dr. Kaine's office looking worse than ever.
"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" Howard exclaimed.
"I don't understand how that could be," said Dr. Kaine, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered Howard wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard to make them swallow the pills."
"Doctor Kaine," he said, "there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep!"
"I have good news for you, Howard," Doctor Kaine said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," said Howard, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
Dr. Kaine gave him the pills. Howard thanked him and left.
Two weeks later, Howard came back to Dr. Kaine's office looking worse than ever.
"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" Howard exclaimed.
"I don't understand how that could be," said Dr. Kaine, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered Howard wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard to make them swallow the pills."
Thứ Ba, 10 tháng 2, 2009
Thứ Hai, 9 tháng 2, 2009
Really funny jokes-Three Tasks
A man walks into a hotel bar, claims a table and walks up to the bartender to order a beer. He notices a jar of money behind the counter. He asks the bartender what the jar is all about.
"We have a little contest going on here," the bartender replies. "Want to play?"
"OK, how?" asks the man.
The bartender explains, "Well, first you put some money in the jar and then you have to
complete three tasks. You finish all three and the money in the jar is yours."
"What are the three tasks?" the man asks.
"Well," replies the bartender holding up a little bottle, "First you have to drink this bottle of hot sauce. It's from Africa, and it's hotter than anything you've ever tasted."
"OK," replies the man.
The bartender continues, "Then there's a dog out back. Mean, nasty old thing. She has a bad tooth, and it's causing her a lot of pain. You have to pull it out."
The man thinks for a moment.
"Finally," the bartender says, "there's an old woman in the back of the bar. See her?" He points to a large woman sitting in the corner who is smiling and waving. "She hasn't been with a man in over 30 years. You have to sleep with her."
"Let me think about it," the man says. He goes back to his table and finishes his beer. Then he has a few more. Then a few more. Eventually, he gets up the courage to do the three tasks. He staggers back to the bartender, shoves a bill into the jar and and exclaims, "I'll do it! Let me see that sauce!"
The bartender hands him the sauce. He swills it down, howls loudly and runs for the drinking fountain.
"OK, the dog?" he says.
"Out back," the bartender says.
The man goes out back. For several minutes, yelping and scratching noises are heard. They eventually die down.
"Alright," the man says loudly as he staggers back into the bar. "Where's that lady who needs her tooth pulled?"
"We have a little contest going on here," the bartender replies. "Want to play?"
"OK, how?" asks the man.
The bartender explains, "Well, first you put some money in the jar and then you have to
complete three tasks. You finish all three and the money in the jar is yours.""What are the three tasks?" the man asks.
"Well," replies the bartender holding up a little bottle, "First you have to drink this bottle of hot sauce. It's from Africa, and it's hotter than anything you've ever tasted."
"OK," replies the man.
The bartender continues, "Then there's a dog out back. Mean, nasty old thing. She has a bad tooth, and it's causing her a lot of pain. You have to pull it out."
The man thinks for a moment.
"Finally," the bartender says, "there's an old woman in the back of the bar. See her?" He points to a large woman sitting in the corner who is smiling and waving. "She hasn't been with a man in over 30 years. You have to sleep with her."
"Let me think about it," the man says. He goes back to his table and finishes his beer. Then he has a few more. Then a few more. Eventually, he gets up the courage to do the three tasks. He staggers back to the bartender, shoves a bill into the jar and and exclaims, "I'll do it! Let me see that sauce!"
The bartender hands him the sauce. He swills it down, howls loudly and runs for the drinking fountain.
"OK, the dog?" he says.
"Out back," the bartender says.
The man goes out back. For several minutes, yelping and scratching noises are heard. They eventually die down.
"Alright," the man says loudly as he staggers back into the bar. "Where's that lady who needs her tooth pulled?"
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