Funny jokes-Turkey

"Would you please help me?" Betty asked. "I bought a nine-pound turkey. Could you tell me how long to cook it in my new microwave?"

"Just a minute" the food editor said as he turned to check his reference book.

"Oh thank you" she said. "You've been a big help. Good-bye!"

Short humor jokes

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Really funny jokes-UFO

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.

As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?"  The station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the attendant.

"So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'.

Jokes for kids - food jokes

Billy's mother was dropping him off at the carnival while she did shopping and errands.
"Enjoy yourself, dear!" she said as she handed Billy a large string of carnival tickets.
"Oh, boy! I will!" Billy said as he took the tickets and ran toward the festivities.
Several hours later, Billy's mother returned. She sought him out sitting on a bench not looking so good.
"Well, are you enjoying yourself, dear?" she asked.
"I am but my stomach isn't!" Billy replied. "The ice cream sundae, cotton candy, pizza pie and hot dog I ate is making me wanna throw up!"
"Well it serves you right!" the mother lectured. "Who told you to buy all that JUNK FOOD?"
"What else could I do?" the boy bellowed as he held up the remainder of the carnival tickets. "You gave me all this JUNK MONEY!"

Humor jokes-Mine collapse

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole.
The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

Really funny short jokes-Anything to wear

When a woman goes to her closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," she really means "I don't have anything NEW to wear."
When a man goes to his closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," what he really means is "I don't have anything CLEAN to wear."

Doctor jokes-Pregnant

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp read, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."