Kids jokes-Birthday party

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."
"No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking."

Humor jokes-Steak

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

Really funny jokes-Free drinks

A man in a bar had a couple of beers and the bartender told him he owed four dollars.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.
"OK," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, then you did."
The man went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.
The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.
The man hurried into the bar and began to drink shots when suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Doctor jokes-Surgery

"I had surgery this year. Nothing serious, thank God. But just before I went under I heard the one thing you don't want to hear, 'Where's my lucky scalpel?'"
-Jonathan Ketz

Really funny jokes-Rest in peace

A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.
This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"

Kids jokes-Swallow the coin

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die - no amount of talking could change his mind.
Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it, and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

Really funny jokes-Punishment

A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?"
"Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television."
"That's too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime."
"What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "That's part of the punishment!