Hyderabadis in Heaven

The Indian city of Hyderabad is famous for it's culture and etiquette of it's inhabitants. There is a joke on Hyderabadis (Residents of Hyderabad) :

Why aren't there any Hyderabadis in Heaven yet?

Because they are all standing at the gates, saying to each other: "Pehle aap" ("After you" in Hindi), "Nahee, pehle aap" ("No, I insist after you.")

Cow dispute!

Dean and Martin lived in the country and owned small farms. One day, one of Dean's cows entered Martin's farm and Martin began to claim that it was his cow.

A fight broke out between the two. Dean went to town and came back with a lawyer so that the lawyer could assess the situation.

Dean took the lawyer to Martin's farm and again there was a quarrel. Dean started pulling the cow by the tail, while Martin was pulling the animal by the horns. Suddenly the lawyer could not be seen. He was found lying on the ground milking the cow.

Dining experience

Sara: I had a dream last night. I was on the Moon dining in a restaurant.

Tina : Oh really? How was the food?

Sara : The food was good, but there was no atmosphere.

Moving in with Mother-in-Law

When the doctor told Jim he had only 8 months to live, Jim was heart-broken and inconsolable. When he finally got a hold on himself, he met his old pal, Derrick in the pub and told him all about his appointment with the doctor.

Jim said to Derrick, "I have decided to move in with my mother-in-law."

Derrick asked with surprise, "Why is that?"

Jim replied, "Living with her for 8 months will seem like forever."

Military wisdom

Military wisdom

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you.... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

Heart beat

Rita: What can you do to increase the heart beat of my 65-year-old husband?

Anita:Tell him he looks handsome.

Dealing with unwanted calls

Tina says to her friend, Mick, "I am tired of these marketing calls and promotional offers that I keep getting on my cellphone."

Mick says, "You should follow my idea. Every time I get such a call, I answer 'This is the local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?'"