Animal jokes-Dogs and masters

Two dogs were discussing their lives and their masters in general. The first dog whose owner was a speaker in the House of Parliament said: “My master is a speaker of the House, responsible for maintaining discipline in the House. When I bark consistently, he keeps repeating "'Please….please….silence please.' It’s so funny."

The second dog said: “Your master at least speaks to you. Mine is an MP (Member of Parliament). He keeps barking like us dogs at every one including me. To add insult to injury, he has put a board on his gate ‘Beware of dog.’ Talk about his audacity.

Fitness Program for Dog owners

Fitness Program for Dog owners

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dogs favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged– dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog – off the couch, off the bed, out of the flowerbed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed – onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate): Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dogs locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate): Run after dog – pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmanoeuvre the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.

Ode to a Cat

Ode To A Cat

I think that I shall never see
A cat that sheds as much as thee
Thy fur that sticks is all around
On chairs, on mats in little mounds
I sweep the floor, you shed some more
I wash the rug and you just shrug
You should give thanks I tolerate that
Or you would be a crew cut cat.

Short funny jokes-Cross the road

Laurel: I am sure you don't know the answer to this one - why did the Tyrannosaurus rex cross the road?

Hardy: Easy, that's because the chicken wasn't invented yet.

Really funny jokes-Rules for Non-Pet Owners who complain

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

They live here. You don't.

If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"-niture)

I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and won't get pregnant because they've been "fixed."

Animal jokes-Carla's message to her Cats

Carla's Message to her Cats

Attentions: Cats

1. When you are asked to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still both of you in the way.

2. I bought the dishes with the paw print to serve you food in it. The other dishes are NOT YOURS, they belong to me and contain my grub. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

3. The stairway was not designed by an auto-racing association and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I can fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of other cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years - feline attendance is not mandatory or helpful.

7. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cats' back end. I cannot stress this enough.

8. To calm you down, I have posted the following message on our front door.

Regards

Carla.

Cat's birthday

It was my cat, Toby's 3rd birthday and I was worrying about buying a birthday present for her.

My wife commented, "Why don't you look something up in the CAT-ALOGUE".

Photographer with a dog

Mark the photographer has a dog with one leg missing. You know what he calls his dog?

Tripod.

Animal testing

John is a PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) member and is discussing animal welfare with his friend Ludwik.

John says, "Animal testing is such a cruel and bad practice."

Ludvick comments, "Yeah, they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

Running in circles

John: I don't know why but my Dalmatian keeps running in circles.

Jose: I am sure he finds it difficult to run in rectangles!

Toilet paper

Manny: Sid, the Sloth brought toilet paper to the happening party. Do you know why?

Ellie: Why?

Manny: 'Cos he was a party pooper.

Pastor's blessings

Jack, a tourist from London goes to a Scottish horse race event and witnesses a pastor blessing one of the horses. To Jack’s astonishment, the horse wins. Not just that, the next 3 horses whom the pastor blesses also win. Then he finds the priest blessing a fifth horse and puts a good deal of money on it.

Unfortunately, the horse suffers from a stroke during the race and dies. Jack meets the pastor later and tells him what a disaster his bet had turned out to be. He also questions why the pastor's blessings had not worked on the fifth horse.

The pastor questions him, ‘Are you a Protestant?’.

‘Yes, I am,’ replies Jack.

‘Well then,’ says the pastor. ‘You’ll not be knowing the difference between a blessing and the last rites.’

Cow story

Dan, a yuppy decides to go out for a walk in the country one morning. As he is strolling down the sunny country road, he comes across a farmer, tending to his two cows.

"Good morning, farmer," says the yuppy.

"Morning to you, sir," replies the farmer. And he pauses, and waits.

Dan thinks that probably just ending it there isn't enough. Struggling for some small talk, he says, "Those are some fine cows you have there."

"Oh, yes, the white cow is a lovely cow, she is," says the farmer.

"And the black cow?"

"Well," the farmer pauses, "yes, I suppose the black cow is good too."

"Yes, they certainly look fit and healthy," says Dan.

"Indeed, the white cow is the healthiest I've ever had! Never needed the vet, full of life!" responds the farmer.

"And the black cow?"

"Well,... yes, the black cow is pretty healthy too."

"So I suppose they give a lot of milk then?"

The farmer beams. "You should see the white cow, come milking time, she's full to bursting with the creamiest milk, she is. Oh yes indeed, the white cow gives a lot of milk she does."

"And the black cow?"

"Oh, well, yes... I suppose the black cow gives a lot of milk too."

Dan doesn't really know where to go with this. The farmer seems to really have something special for the white cow, even though the black cow seems just as good.

"You know, farmer, I don't mean to intrude, but it seems every time I ask you really favor the white cow...."

"Well, isn't it obvious?" asks the farmer, "The white cow is MY cow!"

"Ah, I see. And the black cow?"

"Well, yeah, the black cow is mine, too."

Types of milk

Joe was visiting the country with his father. His father owned a farm house with some cows in it.

Joe asks his father, "Hey dad, can you tell me what are the types of milk available.

His father replied, "Hmmm...there is evaporated milk, malted milk, buttermilk, pasteurized milk, partly skimmed milk etc.....why do you wanna know?"

Joe replies, "It's just that I am drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many spigots to put on her."

Short funny jokes-Turkey

Question: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

Answer: Because he had his own drumsticks!

Hilarious jokes-Married a Gorilla

Two explorers are at their London club. One says to the other, ‘Did you hear about Old Chumley? On his last expedition to Africa he married a gorilla!’

‘Good God,’ says the other. ‘That’s a bit queer.’

‘Oh no,’ replies the first explorer. ‘It was a female gorilla.’

Funny jokes-Married a gorilla

Two explorers are at their London club. One says to the other, ‘Did you hear about Old Chumley? On his last expedition to Africa he married a gorilla!’

‘Good God,’ says the other. ‘That’s a bit queer.’

‘Oh no,’ replies the first explorer. ‘It was a female gorilla.’

Animal jokes-So lazy

My dog is so lazy he won’t even bark, he just waits for another dog to bark, then nods.

Clean jokes-Seagulls

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?

A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Animal jokes-A Snail's tale

A snail is crossing the road. As he’s about to get to the other side a turtle runs him over. The paramedics transport the unconscious snail to hospital. The doctors work to revive the snail and, when he awakens, the doctor asks him what happened.

The snail replies, ‘I don’t know, it all happened so fast!’