Humor jokes-Football in Heaven?

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about football, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's football in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's football in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper,
"Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there football in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is football in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're gonna strike a goal this Friday."

Really funny jokes-What is 2 * 2 ?

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".
Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".
Medical Student : "4"
All others looking astonished : "How did you know?"
Medical Student : "I memorized it."

Short humor jokes-The waiter

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

Teacher jokes-The difference

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'Unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."

Humor jokes-The educated blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy on your knee."

Really funny jokes-Survival weekend

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide tocgo on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top.
After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls. First up - the SAS.
They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" says the trainer.

Next up - the Para's.
They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour or so the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling the theme tune from Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is broken only by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Foxtrot One; suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity , they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you to do five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. Night drags on and dawn breaks. Finally, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in scrapes and bruises, one eye swollen shut.
"Are you taking the micky?!?!" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"All right, all right. I'm a rabbit!"

Teacher jokes

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

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Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."