Funny jokes-Can't accept that

One Saturday evening a man walked into a bar and said, "Excuse me, I would like a pint of beer." The bartender served the man his drink and said, "That will be four dollars." The customer pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and handed it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender said, "but I can't accept that."
So, the man pulls out a ten-dollar bill, and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the puzzled man asked the barkeep.
Pointing to a neon sign behind the bar, the bartender explained, "This is a Singles Bar."

Really funny jokes-Young Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring through the southern United States and stops to entertain at a small bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smarty pants hillbilly jokes. We ain't all stupid here in the South."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smarty pants little fella on your knee."

Clean jokes-Buying a drink

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"

Short funny jokes-Who cares

Who cares about Russia? What did they ever give us, really? That stinkin' dressing? We had ketchup and mayonnaise the whole time, people.

Hilarious short jokes-No intention

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Funny jokes-Stay fit

Mary and Sue hadn't seen each other for years. When they finally sat down to lunch, Mary was stunned at how trim and healthy Sue looked.
"My God," she said, "What do you do to stay so fit?"
"Well," answered Sue, "I've found that nothing keeps me trimmer than having affairs."
"Really!" exclaimed Mary, looking her friend up and down. "You simply must tell me who does your catering!"

Short funny jokes-Jewish lady

In the University of Texas student newspaper: "Sweet, little old Jewish lady wishes to correspond with UT undergraduate. Prefers six-foot male with brown eyes answering to initials J.D.B.
Signed, "His Mother."