Short one liner jokes - Mans heart

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is

through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

Short funny jokes-Best costume

Why was the boy unhappy to win the prize for the best costume at the Halloween party ?
Because he just came to pick up his little sister !

Clean jokes-Frenzied mother

A frenzied mother was busy trying to prepare dinner for her family and guests when in her haste she accidentally spilled a jar of spice all over herself.

Her daughter chose that moment to wander into the kitchen and say casually, "Hey, mom, I need someone to talk to."

The mother replied, "Why would you possibly choose right NOW to try to talk to me?"

To which the daughter responded, "Well, it looked like you had some thyme on your hands."

Really funny jokes-Pistol too

The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase pistol too.
Little Jimmy raised his hand, and after being recognized, said
"The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful Indian companion and his pistol too".
"Very good", says the teacher.
Little Johnnie raised his hand, and after being called on said
"Down at our house we make homebrew, drink till twelve and piss till two".

Funny humor-I'm Only Mature

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors' Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you Seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand - I'm not old - I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer - can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
And my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray....saying "blond" is just right.

My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet some kids yell, "Old duffer...get off the road!"
My car has no scratches... not even a dent,
Still I get all this stuff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines" not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call me old....just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take all your breath away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up with what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,
I'M NOT REALLY OLD....I'M ONLY MATURE!

Short Joke - Husband Wife

Phone rings,

Husband: If it is for me then say that I am not at home.

Wife answered: He is at home.

Shocked Husband: What the Hell?

Wife: It was for me !!

Short funny hillbilly jokes-Married

How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There are tobacco juice stains on both sides of his pickup truck.