Really funny jokes-Hourly Rate

Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers):

Hourly rate: $10.50

Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00

Short funny jokes-Height of flirting

What is the height of flirting ?
When your love letter starts with . . . .
"TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN"

Four funny wedding shorts

1) The five essential words for a good marriage: 'I apologize' and 'You are right.'

2) A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping circulation.

3) If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

4) My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

Adult jokes - Doctor's wife

A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table.

The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends.

He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone.

Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?

She says, "I was in bed". "In bed this late in the day, doing what"?

"I was getting a second opinion" she replied.

Doctor jokes-Three bottles of pills

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Thanksgiving jokes-You might be a Redneck if

You Might Be A Redneck If:

* You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

* Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

* You've ever re-used a paper plate.

* If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

* If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

* On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Lawyer jokes-Satisfactory title

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory TITLE to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, the Lawyer received the following response.

(Actual reply from FHA) :

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property only back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to establish clear the title of the property back to its ORIGIN."

Truly annoyed, the Lawyer responded as follows :

(Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have the title search extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the properties department, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin as identified in our original application.

For edification of apparently ignorant FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from the Royal Monarchy of Spain .

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the exclusive privilege of seeking a new route to India by the ruling Spanish Monarch, Her Highness Queen Isabella of Spain.

The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessings of His Eminence, The Pope, before she sold her precious crown jewels to finance Columbus's expedition - thus establishing payment of price for acquisition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you ( or someone in the FHA ) may possibly know, is the official acknowledged emissary of Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of GOD, ... and GOD, as it is commonly accepted, created this World.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made this part of the world called Louisiana. GOD, therefore, would be the ORIGINAL rightful Owner and His origins date back to before the beginning of Time, the World as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original title to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have that *@#+~%* Loan ?"

The loan was immediately approved.