Hilarious jokes-How cold?

Robert had invited his friend Sam for dinner. When Sam arrived, he was shivering from the cold.

The winter being treacherous, Sam commented, "It is really cold outside today."

Robert asked, "How cold is it?"

Sam replied, "It is colder than my mother-in-law's kiss!"

Funny jokes-No charge

Joey is arrested and the big policeman says to him, "I'm afraid you'll have to spend the night in the lock-up."

Joey says, "Do you mind telling me the charge officer."

The cop replies, "No charge to you. It's all part of the service."

Really funny jokes-Rules for Non-Pet Owners who complain

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

They live here. You don't.

If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"-niture)

I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and won't get pregnant because they've been "fixed."

Animal jokes-Carla's message to her Cats

Carla's Message to her Cats

Attentions: Cats

1. When you are asked to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still both of you in the way.

2. I bought the dishes with the paw print to serve you food in it. The other dishes are NOT YOURS, they belong to me and contain my grub. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

3. The stairway was not designed by an auto-racing association and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I can fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of other cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years - feline attendance is not mandatory or helpful.

7. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cats' back end. I cannot stress this enough.

8. To calm you down, I have posted the following message on our front door.

Regards

Carla.

Really funny jokes-Smart reply

John seemed to be upset, so his colleague Aaron asked what was bugging him.

John replied, "It's about my mother-in-law."

Aaron asked, "What is the problem?"

John said, "My wife has asked me to buy a present for my mother-in-law's birthday. Come on, it's her mother after all, why can't she buy it? Why does she always have to pass on the responsibility to me?"

"What did you buy her last year?" Aaron asked.

John said, "Last year I bought her a very costly cemetery plot."

"Ohh....hard to top that one," said Aaron.

John thought and thought but could not come up with anything. So, nothing was bought for his mother-in-law's birthday.

When the big day arrived, she was a little upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for coming and for the wonderful gifts. It's a shame my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"

John, retorted, "Well, the gift we gave you last year is still unused!"

Perfume brands

Tina, who is in her teens, goes shopping in a mall in Dubai.

As she approaches the perfume counter, the salesgirl shows her several brands like "My Sin", "Bliss", "Desire", and "Ecstasy".

Tina says to the salesgirl, "Hey, all I want is to smell nice, I am not looking to get emotionally involved."

Twenty five years of hard work

Harry, a criminal who got a sentence of 25 years in prison was finding it impossible to pass time in the confinement of his cell. So he started training a Queen ant to perform some tricks. Weeks turned into months and months into years - but Harry continued to work on the ant day and night, for thousands of hours. It took 5 years for him to teach the ant to ride a one-wheel bike, another 5 to perform acrobatics, 5 more to sing songs from the "Sound of Music", and a couple of more years to dance like Michael Jackson.

"The day we get out of here," Harry said to the Queen ant, "we're going to explore the night-spots and make millions."

Finally the day arrived when Harry was released. A free man, Harry started out for the city with his friend, the Queen ant, safely placed inside a match box.

He went to a local bar to celebrate and to show off the talents of his trainee. Once seated at the bar, he placed the match box on the bar counter and out came the Queen ant. On prompting, it started break dancing.

"See this ant, eh?" he pointed out to the bartender.

In one swift motion, the bartender reached for a magazine, rolled it up and squished the Queen ant with a mighty swipe.

"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."