Funny jokes-Distracted jockey

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey is well ahead of the field. Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a salmon sandwich and a pork pie. He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a tin of caviar and a dozen Scotch eggs. With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the final furlong, he’s struck on the head by a bottle of Chardonnay and a Bakewell tart. Thus distracted, he only manages second place. Furious he immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he’s been seriously hampered.

Clean jokes-Snail at doorstep

A man hears a knock on his back door and goes to answer it. There’s no one there but the man notices a snail on his doorstep so he kicks it to the bottom of his garden.

Five years later there’s another knock on the door. The man answers it to find the snail on his doorstep again.

‘Hey!’ says the snail. ‘What the hell was that about?’

Hilarious jokes-Positive effect

A man who was doing a research on different kinds of books and their effects on people, asked a lady: “Madam, tell me, which is the book that has a positive effect on your life?”

Lady: “My husband’s cheque book.”

Really funny jokes-Penny for your thoughts

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's about time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Short funny jokes-Karate expert

My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert who joined the army.

The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Kids jokes-Digging potatoes

A small boy is helping his grandfather dig up potatoes.

‘What I want to know,’ he says, ‘is why you buried the damn things in the first place.’

Funny jokes-Native American

A Native American takes a trip to New York. He gets lost and asks a traffic cop for directions. The cop points him the way then says, ‘And how are you enjoying our fine city?’

The Native American says, ‘It’s great. And how are you enjoying our fine country?’