New Year jokes-Optimist and Pessimist

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.
- Bill Vaughan

One line jokes-Dinosaur arms

If my mom’s arms were dinosaurs, they’d be tricepaflops.

Funny New Year jokes-Prayer For the Elderly

A New Year Prayer For the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Funny kids jokes-Twins

When my daughter asked about two look-alike classmates at her school, I told her that were probably twins. The next day, she came home from school all excited and said, "Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!"

Really funny jokes-Smart people

If you buy a Car or a House on Loan & don`t repay . . . . . . . . .the Bank takes it away.

Now, smart People are taking loans for MARRIAGE!

Funny New Year jokes-Annual conflict

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Lesley and Mark, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the New Year's lunch.

Hoping to keep the peace Mark ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Lesley looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Mark.

She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.

Mark told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0

'See?' Lesley said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.

Funny New Year jokes-Quit smoking

Dave, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Kevin, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Kevin responds.

'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Dave with a grin.

'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Kevin.

'Yeah,' laughs Dave, 'I've quit buying.'