One line jokes-Genetics

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Hilarious jokes-Substitute

Martin was working in a small town as branch manager of a financial institution. The rule stipulated that if a branch manager of a small branch needed leave for some reason, he had to inform the nearest city office which would send a substitute to take charge of the town office.

Martin’s wife got sick and he needed leave for a few days. The city office received a cable which read: “Wife sick, send substitute for a week.”

Football jokes-Possum

Why the Arizona Cardinals are like a possum?

Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Really funny stuff-The Chocolate rules for Dieting

The chocolate rules

- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

– Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

– The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.

– Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.

– A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

– If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?

– If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

– Money talks. Chocolate sings.

- Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

- If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

– Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Fitness Program for Dog owners

Fitness Program for Dog owners

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dogs favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged– dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog – off the couch, off the bed, out of the flowerbed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed – onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate): Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dogs locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate): Run after dog – pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmanoeuvre the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.

Really funny jokes-Pass the ball

A big boned, burly college student decided to try his hand at football so he approached the coach. The coach wanted the boy to tackle the football. The boy ran smack into an electric pole and shattered it. The coach, now impressed asked him to run and the boy ran zigzag like a deer runs for its life.

“That’s really nice. But can you pass the ball? That’s what counts.” said the coach.

The boy was thoughtful while the coach was waiting. Finally he said: “It’s like this sir. If I can swallow it, I guess I can pass it too.”

Hilarious jokes-Billy Joe, the portrait artist

Billy Joe, though not a scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew far and wide...and soon people from all over the country were coming to his home town to have portraits done.

One day, a limousine pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked Billy Joe if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Billy Joe. The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $75,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Jena, his missus.

In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."