Kids jokes-Five stone in two weeks

Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk. Whose baby was it?

The elephant's!

Really funny jokes-Short runway

A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"

The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"

"Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control.
The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying. They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "PHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!"

"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"

Finance jokes-Laws of Acounting

Laws of Accounting

1. Trial balances don't
2. Bank reconciliations never do
3. Working Capital does not
4. Return on Investments never will

Hilarious jokes-An apple a day

Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"

"That's what they say," said his Dad.

"Well, give me an apple quick ? I've just broken the doctor's window!"

Clean jokes-Running nose

I see the baby's nose is running again," said a worried father.

"For goodness sake!" snapped his wife. "Can't you think of anything other than horse racing?"

Really funny jokes-Chewing gum

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.

When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?"

Short funny jokes-Change the baby

Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?

Daughter: You told me to change the baby.

Hilarious jokes-Three hundred years old

There is a guy who arrives to a town in western Spain, he seems like a charlatan and begins to advertise a potion, which supposedly keeps him young despite the fact that he is three hundred years old.

A farmer, having doubts, approaches one of his assistants.

"Hey, is it really true that this guy has lived three hundred years?"

"I don't know, I have only worked with him for two hundred."

Accountant jokes-Shy and retiring

What's a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
R

Funny jokes-Unbelievable

The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!"

"What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

Really funny jokes-Meteor Crater

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

Accountant jokes

What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.

Funny jokes-All you can pick

A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through northern California's apple country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner, "How much are yer apples?"

"All you can pick for one dollar," said the rancher.

"Okay," said the Pennsylvanian. "I'll take two dollars' worth."

Good jokes-Pharaohs

What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet?

Egyptian dummies.

Really funny jokes-Blonde stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Funny jokes-School lunch

School lunches are not generally popular with those that have to eat them, and sometimes with good reason.

"What kind of pie do you call this ?" asked one schoolboy indignantly.

"What's it taste of ?" asked the cook.

"Glue!" "Then it's apple pie, the plum pie tastes of soap."

One line jokes-Drink and drive

Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Short funny jokes-Baby girls and boys

Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?

Because they can't dress themselves.

Hilarious jokes-Parrot in plane

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot".

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

Really funny jokes-You Know You're from New Mexico When

You Know You're from New Mexico When

Your favorite breakfast meat is sliced fried bologna.

You are still using the paper license tag that came with your car five years ago.

Your favorite restaurant has a chili list instead of a wine list.

You do all your shopping and banking at a drive-up window.

Your Christmas decorations include a yard of sand and 200 paper bags.

You have license plates on your walls, but not on your car.

You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.

You have an extra freezer just for green chili.

You think a yellow light means to go faster and a red light is merely a suggestion.

You don't make eye contact with other drivers because you can't tell how well armed they are just by looking.

You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.

You pass on the right because that's the fast-lane.

You have read a book while driving from Albuquerque to Las Vegas.

There is a piece of a UFO displayed in your home.

All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in October.

You don't see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.

Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.

You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3 AM because you were hungry.

Tumbleweeds and various cactus in your yard are not weeds. They are your lawn.

If you travel anywhere, no matter if just to run to the gas station, you must bring along a bottle of water and some moisturizer.

Good jokes-In the ditch

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

Economy jokes-Harvest crunch

The Allied Irish Bank has issued a credit warning about Kellogg's, they are worried about the Harvest Crunch.

Funny jokes-Blue elephants

Alonzo visits Doctor Pedro.

Alonzo: "Doctor, doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere."

Pedro: "Have you seen a psychologist yet?"

Alonzo: "No, just blue elephants."

Hilarious jokes-Two bankers

Two bankers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the bankers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their jewelry, wallets and watches.

While this is going on banker number one puts something in banker number two's hand. Without looking down, banker number two whispers, 'What is this?' to which banker number one replies, 'It's that $50 I owe you.'

One line jokes-Slow down

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

Really funny jokes-In case of emergency

A Spanish guy enters a hospital to have a minor operation.

A nurse begins to take down his information: name, insurance company, etc.

"In case of emergency, whom should we notify?"

"You mean if I become very sick?"

"Well . . . yes."

"If that happens, call a doctor!"

Birthday jokes-Maple tree

Did you hear about the maple tree’s birthday?

It was a sappy one!

Funny jokes-Running away with Neighbor

Daughter : I am in love with the neighbor, so I am running away with him.

Dad: Thanks , you have saved my money & time.

Daughter: Dad, I am reading the letter left by Mom.

Clean jokes-What brought you here?

A Spanish patient goes to an English doctor.

Doctor: "What is it that's brought you here?"

Patient: "An ambulance. Why?"

Really funny jokes-More American humor

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker -- WOO-EEE!!!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right to An Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco IS A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep, syrup!

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...and the sheep are scared!

Short funny jokes-Holiday in England

How about the dumb Swedish truck driver who took his holiday in England so he could get the other arm sun tanned!

Really funny American jokes

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense Against The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,& Very Little Else

One line jokes-Crowded Elevator

Confucius says-
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Funny American jokes

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Birthday jokes-Balloon

What did the birthday balloon state to the pin?

“Hi, Buster.”

Funny jokes-Sign here

Louise went into her bank to cash a cheque. She looked so hesitant that the cashier went to help her. 'Please sign the back of the cheque, 'the teller told her, 'as you'd sign a letter.

'Louise looked extremely grateful, scribbled on the cheque and passed it back to the cashier.

Signed on the back was: 'Yours affectionately, Louise.'

Really funny jokes-Degree of Urgency

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'.

Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.

Good jokes-New Swedish Navy

Why does the NEW Swedish navy have glass-bottom boats?

To see the OLD Swedish navy.

Funny jokes-Inconsiderate husband

Question. What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?

Answer. One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.

Really funny jokes-American soldier

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit.

As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats.

A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog.

The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog?

Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "Oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and I see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out.

The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... You eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong woman out the window."

One line jokes-Overdressed

People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.

Blonde jokes-Ice hockey team

Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?

A: They drowned in Spring training.

Funny jokes-Expensive fishing trip!

Ole (Norwegian) and Sven (Swedish) went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish.

Ole says, "The way I figger it, Sven, each of them fish cost us $400.

Well, at dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of em than we did," says Sven.

Really funny jokes-You know you are living in 2011

You know you are living in 2011 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it !!

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your tea or coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list !!

Birthday party jokes-Games Rabbits play

What birthday party games do rabbits like to play?

Musical Hares.

Hilarious jokes-Paralyze

Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?

A: He married her.

Economy jokes-DOW average

Q: What will happen if the DOW average falls any further?

A: They'll add a N to the end of it!

Celebrity jokes-50 cent's Car

Q: Did you hear about that car 50 Cent sent to his mechanic?

A: The engine was shot...just like everything else.

Really funny jokes-Buffalo come

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"

And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".

Funny American jokes-Things You Learn in Texas

Things You Learn in Texas

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple that have not been identified yet.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

DJeet? means "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You measure distance in minutes.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

We don't need no stinking driver's Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

One line jokes-Extraordinarily patient

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.

Really funny jokes-Thousands at home

A Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage on a train to Belfast.

The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.

The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar.

He says, "I'm from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home."

The Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.

The other three are in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey??!!

He replies, "I'm Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home."

The Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100 year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and flings the remainder of the wine out the window.

The other three ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things back home."

The Irish then grabs the Spaniard and throws him out of the window.

Hilarious jokes-American Tourists

How Many American Tourists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Fifteen.

Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

Really funny jokes-Racehorse doping

Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland.

One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race.

He went over and said, "Doping?"

The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor.

'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.. see?"

The Clerk of the Course said,

"Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself."

So the trainer gave him a piece.

When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions,

"Don't forget the drill.

Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs.

Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"

Obama jokes-Vice President

Q: Why should Obama have chosen Evan Bayh for Vice President?

A: The name Birch Evans Bayh III makes Barack Hussein Obama sound almost normal.

Funny jokes-Smash ten bottles

A Swede was in a pub in Finland and a regular customer suggested to him:

"I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head."

The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure.

The Finn smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.

"So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Swede.

"I am not a total idiot," the Finn replied, "then I would have to give you that $200."