Mary: I knew right away he was a loser.
Jill: How did you know so fast?
Mary: He said he could give me "multiple organisms."
Thứ Sáu, 31 tháng 12, 2010
Christmas jokes-Santa, a Man or Woman?
Christmas has to be a warm, well organised, caring, considerate, social occasion. So, it's unlikely that a man could take responsibility for making it happen.
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about Christmas until Christmas Eve. And when they do eventually rush into the high street at the latest possible moment, they seem genuinely surprised to discover that the only options remaining on the shelves are cheap perfume and lingerie suitable for high class tarts.
Let's face it, Santa Claus must be a woman. If Santa was a man, all there would be under the Christmas tree are high tech' toys .... still in the original wrappings, of course.
Another flaw in the 'he-Santa' argument is his apparent ability to arrive promptly every Christmas Eve. If Santa was a man, he could be relied upon to have transportation problems, get lost in all the snow and clouds and flatly refuse to ask anyone for directions.
There are lots of other reasons why Santa can't be a man:
Men have no idea about packing bags.
Men would rather be dead than wear red velvet.
Men have no interest in stockings, unless they are being worn by an attractive female.
But, the real show-stopper is, most men simply can't do commitment.
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about Christmas until Christmas Eve. And when they do eventually rush into the high street at the latest possible moment, they seem genuinely surprised to discover that the only options remaining on the shelves are cheap perfume and lingerie suitable for high class tarts.
Let's face it, Santa Claus must be a woman. If Santa was a man, all there would be under the Christmas tree are high tech' toys .... still in the original wrappings, of course.
Another flaw in the 'he-Santa' argument is his apparent ability to arrive promptly every Christmas Eve. If Santa was a man, he could be relied upon to have transportation problems, get lost in all the snow and clouds and flatly refuse to ask anyone for directions.
There are lots of other reasons why Santa can't be a man:
Men have no idea about packing bags.
Men would rather be dead than wear red velvet.
Men have no interest in stockings, unless they are being worn by an attractive female.
But, the real show-stopper is, most men simply can't do commitment.
Thứ Năm, 30 tháng 12, 2010
Adult jokes | Divorced
A couple had been divorced for about 6 months, but still remained good friends. This worked out pretty good since the both lived in the same apartment building. One day he slipped on the ice and broke his arm. Later he met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help. He responded, "Well yes, if it's not to much trouble, could you help me take a bath?" She readily agreed and soon after she began washing him she saw a gradual erection began to appear. "Look John", she exclaimed happily "It still recognizes me!!!"
Really funny jokes-Bad Combinations
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . . my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends.
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . . my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends.
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Thứ Tư, 29 tháng 12, 2010
Little Johnny jokes-A Horse auction
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Christmas jokes-Puppy
Letters to Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging thing may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa**
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging thing may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa**
Thứ Ba, 28 tháng 12, 2010
Computer programmer jokes - Wish
A programmer is walking along a road and suddenly finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”
The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”
The genie responds, “See, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millennium. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”
The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”
At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”
The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”
The genie responds, “See, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millennium. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”
The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”
At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”
Christmas jokes-Gullible
Letters to Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Really funny jokes-Shopping for Bra
Mary: I went shopping for bras this weekend. How depressing! I wanted one with good support.
Jill: Have you tried under wire?
Mary: Yes, Ma'am! Unfortunately, I have graduated to steel girders!
Jill: Have you tried under wire?
Mary: Yes, Ma'am! Unfortunately, I have graduated to steel girders!
Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 12, 2010
Adult jokes-Shaking hands
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
Chủ Nhật, 26 tháng 12, 2010
Really funny jokes-The Idiot's Guide to Internet success!
The Idiot's Guide To Internet Success!
Let's begin (Please take note of the sarcasm in these):
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.
Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.
Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.
Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.
Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.
Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.
Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.
Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.
Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.
Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:
--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
--Join every free banner exchange.
--Get your own free-for-all links page.
--Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.
--Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.
--Hire a bulk emailer.
--Sponsor a golf tournament.
Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
Let's begin (Please take note of the sarcasm in these):
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.
Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.
Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.
Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.
Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.
Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.
Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.
Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.
Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.
Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:
--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
--Join every free banner exchange.
--Get your own free-for-all links page.
--Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.
--Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.
--Hire a bulk emailer.
--Sponsor a golf tournament.
Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
Thứ Bảy, 25 tháng 12, 2010
Really funny jokes-Things a Southerner would never say
Things A Southerner Would Never Say:
1. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
2. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
3. Duct tape won't fix that.
4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
5. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
6. We don't keep firearms in this house.
7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
8. You can't feed that to the dog.
9. I thought Graceland was tacky.
10. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
11. Wrasslin's fake.
12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
13. We're vegetarians.
14. Do you think my gut is too big?
15. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
16. Honey, we don't need another dog.
17. Who's Richard Petty?
18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
19. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
20. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
1. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
2. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
3. Duct tape won't fix that.
4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
5. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
6. We don't keep firearms in this house.
7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
8. You can't feed that to the dog.
9. I thought Graceland was tacky.
10. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
11. Wrasslin's fake.
12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
13. We're vegetarians.
14. Do you think my gut is too big?
15. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
16. Honey, we don't need another dog.
17. Who's Richard Petty?
18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
19. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
20. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
Thứ Sáu, 24 tháng 12, 2010
Christmas jokes-Top 10 ways to confuse Santa Claus
Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas
10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!
9. While Santa’s in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!
8. While Santa’s in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!
7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!
6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.
5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime"
4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.
3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.
2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!
1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!!"
10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!
9. While Santa’s in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!
8. While Santa’s in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!
7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!
6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.
5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime"
4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.
3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.
2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!
1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!!"
Animal jokes-Repellent
A couple moved to the country side for their retirement living thinking they were going to live in midst of free animals.
One mild winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse repellent from city, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind of ultrasonic sound that drives off mice.
The husband was showing it to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal repellent. He told her that it worked on every thing from mice to elephants.
"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a bit skeptical.
"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant in the garage the whole time!"
One mild winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse repellent from city, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind of ultrasonic sound that drives off mice.
The husband was showing it to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal repellent. He told her that it worked on every thing from mice to elephants.
"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a bit skeptical.
"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant in the garage the whole time!"
Thứ Năm, 23 tháng 12, 2010
Really funny jokes-Inherit farm
A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter: "I may die any moment so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, the tractor, the farmhouse & all the livestock."
"Wow!!!!" said the granddaughter, "Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it? "
.
.
.
Grandma replies: On 'Facebook'
"Wow!!!!" said the granddaughter, "Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it? "
.
.
.
Grandma replies: On 'Facebook'
Thứ Tư, 22 tháng 12, 2010
Christmas jokes-Peace on Earth
Letters to Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Good jokes-Alzheimer's Test
Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words?
1. BOO_S
2 . _ _NDOM
3 . F_ _K
4 . P_N_S
5 . PU_S_
6 . S_X
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answers:
1. BOOKS
2 . RANDOM
3 . FORK
4 . PANTS
5 . PULSE
6 . SIX
You got all 6 wrong ....didn't you?
Congratulation! You do NOT have an Alzheimer Problem. You have another problem!!
How fast can you guess these words?
1. BOO_S
2 . _ _NDOM
3 . F_ _K
4 . P_N_S
5 . PU_S_
6 . S_X
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answers:
1. BOOKS
2 . RANDOM
3 . FORK
4 . PANTS
5 . PULSE
6 . SIX
You got all 6 wrong ....didn't you?
Congratulation! You do NOT have an Alzheimer Problem. You have another problem!!
Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 12, 2010
Christmas jokes-Angel on top of the Christmas tree
Many have asked, “What is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree?”
Once upon a time Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. He had told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30.
At 5:30 the following morning Santa Claus awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for NOT waking him up on time! Santa’s mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had NOT fixed breakfast or lunch!! Santa then ran out to his sleigh only to see that the elves had NO presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture!!!
About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore since he wasn’t his jolly old self.
But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"
And that is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Once upon a time Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. He had told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30.
At 5:30 the following morning Santa Claus awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for NOT waking him up on time! Santa’s mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had NOT fixed breakfast or lunch!! Santa then ran out to his sleigh only to see that the elves had NO presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture!!!
About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore since he wasn’t his jolly old self.
But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"
And that is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Funny jokes-Something for the house
Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?
Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.
Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?
Man: Eight rounds of drinks.
Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.
Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?
Man: Eight rounds of drinks.
Thứ Hai, 20 tháng 12, 2010
Really funny jokes-Baby mosquito
Baby mosquito came back after flying for the first time.
His mom asked him "How do you feel?"
He replied "It was wonderful, Everyone was clapping for me!"
Now that's what is a Positive Attitude!!
His mom asked him "How do you feel?"
He replied "It was wonderful, Everyone was clapping for me!"
Now that's what is a Positive Attitude!!
Christmas jokes-Elves
Q. Why does Santa use Elves?
A. There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.
A. There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.
Redneck jokes-Do it for your country
Redneck Motto:
Drink until she's beautiful, but if that doesn't work, put a flag over her head and do it for your country.
Drink until she's beautiful, but if that doesn't work, put a flag over her head and do it for your country.
Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 12, 2010
Christmas jokes-Pop
What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !
My pop is bigger than yours !
Hilarious jokes-Noise in the engine
Taxiing down the runway, the passenger jet abruptly came to a stop, turned around and returned to the gate. Eventually however, after an hour-long wait, the flight finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant.
“I hope it’s all sorted now.” Replied the nervous passenger.
"Oh yes, it’s fine now Sir, it just took us a while to find a new pilot."
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant.
“I hope it’s all sorted now.” Replied the nervous passenger.
"Oh yes, it’s fine now Sir, it just took us a while to find a new pilot."
Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 12, 2010
Really funny jokes-Match maker
The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample."
The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman."
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, "He's a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it's not a big deal... just a sample."
She thought a minute. "A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don't give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.
The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman."
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, "He's a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it's not a big deal... just a sample."
She thought a minute. "A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don't give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.
Thứ Sáu, 17 tháng 12, 2010
Practical jokes-Fun things to do at K-Mart
Practical jokes-Fun Things To Do At K-Mart (Or Wal-Mart)
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the computers.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&Ms on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Bat-cave!"
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the computers.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&Ms on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Bat-cave!"
Funny one liners-New missile
Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
Christmas jokes-Eat Decorations
Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus !
You get tinsel-itus !
Thứ Năm, 16 tháng 12, 2010
Yo mama jokes-Rocked herself
Yo' momma's so fat, she fell out of bed one night and rocked herself to sleep trying to get back up.
Really funny jokes-London fire
In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor...all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged Muhindi couple from Kenya who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the Muhindi couple from Kenya saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Muhindi couple from Kenya lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied,
"Because they were both at work."
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor...all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged Muhindi couple from Kenya who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the Muhindi couple from Kenya saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Muhindi couple from Kenya lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied,
"Because they were both at work."
Thứ Tư, 15 tháng 12, 2010
Good jokes-Pet fish
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked.
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked.
Adult jokes-Pulled a muscle
Two old men sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.
"How are you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard.
"I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.
Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night"!
"How are you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard.
"I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.
Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night"!
Thứ Ba, 14 tháng 12, 2010
Office jokes-Rolodex
I was addressing some mail when I noticed that my card file of frequently used addresses was missing. Thinking it must have fallen from my typing table into the wastebasket, I called the office janitor.
"I've lost my Rolodex," I told him. "It may have been picked up with the trash. Is there any way you could find it?"
He said he would conduct a search. When the janitor informed me he had searched every trash container for my Rolodex, with no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.
As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door. "Good night," he said smiling apologetically. "Sorry I couldn't find your watch."
"I've lost my Rolodex," I told him. "It may have been picked up with the trash. Is there any way you could find it?"
He said he would conduct a search. When the janitor informed me he had searched every trash container for my Rolodex, with no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.
As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door. "Good night," he said smiling apologetically. "Sorry I couldn't find your watch."
Really funny jokes-Jury Selection
The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."
Thứ Hai, 13 tháng 12, 2010
Kids jokes-Can't find it
Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.
Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.
"I can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.
The teacher asks Eddie "Well, did you find it ?"
Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.
Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.
"I can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.
The teacher asks Eddie "Well, did you find it ?"
Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
Short funny jokes-Yo Mama
Yo' momma's so fat she went to a restaurant, looked at the menu, and just said "OK."
Chủ Nhật, 12 tháng 12, 2010
Really funny jokes-The Zen Of Consumer Guidance Labels
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
Thứ Bảy, 11 tháng 12, 2010
Clean jokes-Thinking fast
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.
He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
Thứ Sáu, 10 tháng 12, 2010
Really funny jokes-Headstone
After his wife died, the uncle of one of my friends decided to plan ahead and order a grave-site marker for himself. A week or so later, he came home to find a message on his answering machine. It was from a young woman at the company where he’d placed his order.
“I don’t know if it’s good news or bad,” she said, “but your headstone is ready.”
“I don’t know if it’s good news or bad,” she said, “but your headstone is ready.”
Doctor jokes-Wierd dreams
Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband.
"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"
"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."
Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence: "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"
"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"
"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."
Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence: "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"
Thứ Năm, 9 tháng 12, 2010
Hilarious jokes-AIDS Warning !
Senior citizens are the nation's leading carriers of AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
GARDENING AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)
And
AIDS : Acute income deficiency syndrome
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
GARDENING AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)
And
AIDS : Acute income deficiency syndrome
Birthday party jokes-To be around
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. " Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
"I certainly do," he replied. " Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
Thứ Tư, 8 tháng 12, 2010
Really funny jokes-GPS override
Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What's a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife
Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What's a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife
Good jokes-Sports Team Names
Top 20 Rejected International Sports Team Names:
20. Islamabad Beggars
19. Brussels Sprouts
18. Cannes Openers
17. Amsterdam Yankees
16. Vienna Sausages
15. Belgium Waffles
14. Manila Folders
13. Czech Bouncers
12. New Delhi Catessans
11. Buenos Airheads
10. Guadalajara Krishnas
9. Iraqi Raccoons
8. Bolivia DeHavillands
7. Seoul Brothers
6. Taipei Personalities
5. Syria Killers
4. Hungary Jacks
3. Dublin Mint Twins
2. Prague Tologists
1. Peking Toms
20. Islamabad Beggars
19. Brussels Sprouts
18. Cannes Openers
17. Amsterdam Yankees
16. Vienna Sausages
15. Belgium Waffles
14. Manila Folders
13. Czech Bouncers
12. New Delhi Catessans
11. Buenos Airheads
10. Guadalajara Krishnas
9. Iraqi Raccoons
8. Bolivia DeHavillands
7. Seoul Brothers
6. Taipei Personalities
5. Syria Killers
4. Hungary Jacks
3. Dublin Mint Twins
2. Prague Tologists
1. Peking Toms
Thứ Ba, 7 tháng 12, 2010
Doctor jokes-Miserable cold
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
Funny jokes-Scenery
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery.
"Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."
"Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."
Thứ Hai, 6 tháng 12, 2010
One line jokes - Husband Wife
Wife : "Why are you back home so early?"
Husband : At office boss told me "Go to Hell.."
Husband : At office boss told me "Go to Hell.."
Really funny jokes-Read aloud
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.
Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?" asks Morris.
"My life insurance policy."
Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?" asks Morris.
"My life insurance policy."
Chủ Nhật, 5 tháng 12, 2010
Really good stuff-What women should tell men...but don’t
What women should tell men...but don’t
1. The reason why our bras don’t always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
2. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
3. If we’re watching football with you - it’s not bonding - it’s their butts.
4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
6. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.
7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn’t ask in bed.
8. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of “who’s easy”?
10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don’t care.
11. When you’re not around, I belch loudly, too.
12. We don’t mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!
13. When you’re out with us, please wear “our” favorite outfit rather than “yours” - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.
14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. A negative grunt.
15. Don’t insist that we “get off the stupid phone” and then not talk to us.
16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily “women’s work”; besides, most of the “dirt” and clutter is yours anyway.
18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.
20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling… however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.
1. The reason why our bras don’t always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
2. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
3. If we’re watching football with you - it’s not bonding - it’s their butts.
4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
6. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.
7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn’t ask in bed.
8. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of “who’s easy”?
10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don’t care.
11. When you’re not around, I belch loudly, too.
12. We don’t mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!
13. When you’re out with us, please wear “our” favorite outfit rather than “yours” - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.
14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. A negative grunt.
15. Don’t insist that we “get off the stupid phone” and then not talk to us.
16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily “women’s work”; besides, most of the “dirt” and clutter is yours anyway.
18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.
20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling… however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.
Thứ Bảy, 4 tháng 12, 2010
Hilarious jokes-Street name
"I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young man said to the 411 operator.
"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Bubba."
"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Bubba."
Little Johnny jokes-What part of your body goes to Heaven first
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . Which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it 's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The nun fainted.
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it 's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The nun fainted.
Thứ Sáu, 3 tháng 12, 2010
Really funny jokes-Husband and Wife tiff
Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mum and said, “He fought with me again. I am coming to live with you”.
Mom said, “No no my little girl, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you.”
Wife called up her mum and said, “He fought with me again. I am coming to live with you”.
Mom said, “No no my little girl, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you.”
Clean jokes-Grouchy
When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”
Thứ Năm, 2 tháng 12, 2010
Short funny jokes-Own sister
A small boy opens the door and looks at his sister's boy friend and asks innocently,
"Every day you come to meet my sister , don't you have your own sister"
"Every day you come to meet my sister , don't you have your own sister"
Good jokes-Work in Heaven
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven.
When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area, which was about the size of Massachusetts. There were millions of people living in tents. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, a staffer in his late teens approached him. The young man was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow letters.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator."
Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him.
"No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese, in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill."
Gabriel started searching through the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.
"What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's St. Peter? Where are the pearly gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well do the math! When this St. Peter business started, it was easy. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it by himself."
"But now there are over five billion people on earth. When God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' Ten thousand people die every hour, over a quarter-million a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right. So he had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions."
Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend eternity sitting on your bum and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!"
Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center no. 23 and meet up with your occupational coordinator. His name is Abraham--and no, he's not that Abraham."
Bill walked to induction center no. 23 and met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data-processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries. Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center."
"We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multisegment fiber-optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fault tolerant, distributed processing, the works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workers were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed.
But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged nearly row-by-row, half a million...
Macintoshes... All running Linux software! All open source! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending eternity using products he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.
He exclaimed. "What about Windows??? Excel??? Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then you'll have to go elsewhere!"
When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area, which was about the size of Massachusetts. There were millions of people living in tents. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, a staffer in his late teens approached him. The young man was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow letters.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator."
Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him.
"No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese, in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill."
Gabriel started searching through the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.
"What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's St. Peter? Where are the pearly gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well do the math! When this St. Peter business started, it was easy. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it by himself."
"But now there are over five billion people on earth. When God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' Ten thousand people die every hour, over a quarter-million a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right. So he had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions."
Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend eternity sitting on your bum and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!"
Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center no. 23 and meet up with your occupational coordinator. His name is Abraham--and no, he's not that Abraham."
Bill walked to induction center no. 23 and met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data-processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries. Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center."
"We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multisegment fiber-optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fault tolerant, distributed processing, the works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workers were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed.
But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged nearly row-by-row, half a million...
Macintoshes... All running Linux software! All open source! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending eternity using products he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.
He exclaimed. "What about Windows??? Excel??? Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then you'll have to go elsewhere!"
Thứ Tư, 1 tháng 12, 2010
Hilarious jokes-Sheriff and veterinarian
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet," the wife asked?
"Both," the caller replied. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet," the wife asked?
"Both," the caller replied. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
Practical jokes-Grandparent's answering machine
Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp ...
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, dial 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, dial 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"
Thứ Ba, 30 tháng 11, 2010
Really funny jokes-Hourly Rate
Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers):
Hourly rate: $10.50
Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00
Hourly rate: $10.50
Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00
Short funny jokes-Height of flirting
What is the height of flirting ?
When your love letter starts with . . . .
"TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN"
When your love letter starts with . . . .
"TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN"
Thứ Hai, 29 tháng 11, 2010
Four funny wedding shorts
1) The five essential words for a good marriage: 'I apologize' and 'You are right.'
2) A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping circulation.
3) If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
4) My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
2) A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping circulation.
3) If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
4) My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
Chủ Nhật, 28 tháng 11, 2010
Adult jokes - Doctor's wife
A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table.
The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends.
He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone.
Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?
She says, "I was in bed". "In bed this late in the day, doing what"?
"I was getting a second opinion" she replied.
The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends.
He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone.
Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?
She says, "I was in bed". "In bed this late in the day, doing what"?
"I was getting a second opinion" she replied.
Thứ Bảy, 27 tháng 11, 2010
Doctor jokes-Three bottles of pills
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"
The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"
The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Thứ Sáu, 26 tháng 11, 2010
Thanksgiving jokes-You might be a Redneck if
You Might Be A Redneck If:
* You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
* Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
* You've ever re-used a paper plate.
* If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
* If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
* You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
* Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
* You've ever re-used a paper plate.
* If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
* If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
Lawyer jokes-Satisfactory title
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory TITLE to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, the Lawyer received the following response.
(Actual reply from FHA) :
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property only back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to establish clear the title of the property back to its ORIGIN."
Truly annoyed, the Lawyer responded as follows :
(Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have the title search extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the properties department, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin as identified in our original application.
For edification of apparently ignorant FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from the Royal Monarchy of Spain .
The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the exclusive privilege of seeking a new route to India by the ruling Spanish Monarch, Her Highness Queen Isabella of Spain.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessings of His Eminence, The Pope, before she sold her precious crown jewels to finance Columbus's expedition - thus establishing payment of price for acquisition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you ( or someone in the FHA ) may possibly know, is the official acknowledged emissary of Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of GOD, ... and GOD, as it is commonly accepted, created this World.
Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made this part of the world called Louisiana. GOD, therefore, would be the ORIGINAL rightful Owner and His origins date back to before the beginning of Time, the World as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original title to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have that *@#+~%* Loan ?"
The loan was immediately approved.
After sending the information to the FHA, the Lawyer received the following response.
(Actual reply from FHA) :
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property only back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to establish clear the title of the property back to its ORIGIN."
Truly annoyed, the Lawyer responded as follows :
(Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have the title search extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the properties department, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin as identified in our original application.
For edification of apparently ignorant FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from the Royal Monarchy of Spain .
The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the exclusive privilege of seeking a new route to India by the ruling Spanish Monarch, Her Highness Queen Isabella of Spain.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessings of His Eminence, The Pope, before she sold her precious crown jewels to finance Columbus's expedition - thus establishing payment of price for acquisition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you ( or someone in the FHA ) may possibly know, is the official acknowledged emissary of Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of GOD, ... and GOD, as it is commonly accepted, created this World.
Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made this part of the world called Louisiana. GOD, therefore, would be the ORIGINAL rightful Owner and His origins date back to before the beginning of Time, the World as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original title to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have that *@#+~%* Loan ?"
The loan was immediately approved.
Short funny jokes-Lifesaving tool
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped in the car. She keeps it in the trunk.
Thứ Năm, 25 tháng 11, 2010
Really funny jokes-Toilet paper
Two Norwegians were talking in the park when a bird splattered one of them on the head. Eyeing the mess, the victim's companion offered to go get some toilet paper.
"Won't do no good," said the messed-up one, "by the time you get back, that bird will be four miles away."
"Won't do no good," said the messed-up one, "by the time you get back, that bird will be four miles away."
Good jokes-Watch for birthday
A wife says to husband, "Today is your son's birthday. We still need to get him a present. What should we get?"
The husband says to his wife, "Well, what does he want?"
The wife replies, "He wants a watch!"
"OK, tell him tonight we'll let him."
The husband says to his wife, "Well, what does he want?"
The wife replies, "He wants a watch!"
"OK, tell him tonight we'll let him."
Thứ Tư, 24 tháng 11, 2010
Hilarious jokes-GI insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”
“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?”
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”
“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?”
Kids jokes-Cheat
You know that Mary Jane that lives down the road is a cheat", declared Jenni's little boy.
"Why do you say that?", Jenni asked.
The boy reported, "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine- but it turned out she hasn't got one!
"Why do you say that?", Jenni asked.
The boy reported, "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine- but it turned out she hasn't got one!
Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 11, 2010
Really funny jokes-Final Wishes
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!"
They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!"
Clean jokes-Rattlesnakes
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
Thứ Hai, 22 tháng 11, 2010
Funny jokes-Dealing with customers
Young Mwangi was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer's store in Kampala .
While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.
It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Mwangi aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."
Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Mwangi politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try carbon paper, manila paper or sand paper!
While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.
It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Mwangi aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."
Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Mwangi politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try carbon paper, manila paper or sand paper!
Blonde jokes-Instant lottery
What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
Chủ Nhật, 21 tháng 11, 2010
Really funny jokes-Beef tongue
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"
" Beef tongue," replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"
" Beef tongue," replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"
Thứ Bảy, 20 tháng 11, 2010
Short funny jokes-Salary
An employer gave his new secretary a dress for her first week's salary.
The next week he raised her salary.
The next week he raised her salary.
Good jokes-Operated for Appendicitis
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 11, 2010
Really funny jokes-Government matchmaker
A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my
leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied,
"I understand you need television."
leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied,
"I understand you need television."
Hilarious jokes-Very hot day
The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake.
He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
Thứ Năm, 18 tháng 11, 2010
Office jokes-Angry secretary
A cute, good looking secretary came angrily out of the boss's cabin......
A colleague asked : "What happened? "
She replied : "He asked if I am free tonight?'"
I said: "Yes." .....
.... And the bugger gave me 50 pages to type !!!
A colleague asked : "What happened? "
She replied : "He asked if I am free tonight?'"
I said: "Yes." .....
.... And the bugger gave me 50 pages to type !!!
Thứ Tư, 17 tháng 11, 2010
Really funny jokes-Free Drinks
Early at 3 AM the hotel desk clerk gets a phone call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy again, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, uncontrolled and blabbering, "What did you shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you in your room."
"No... I don't wanna git in the bar... Ah wanna git OUT of the bar!!!"
"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy again, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, uncontrolled and blabbering, "What did you shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you in your room."
"No... I don't wanna git in the bar... Ah wanna git OUT of the bar!!!"
Short humor jokes-Green dollars
Q: Why are Yankee dollars green?
A: Because the Jews pick them before they're ripe.
A: Because the Jews pick them before they're ripe.
Thứ Ba, 16 tháng 11, 2010
Redneck Sayings
Redneck Sayings
1. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
2. "Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been ‘saucered and blowed.’"
3. "She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm."
4. "It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
5. "My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull."
6. "He’s as country as cornflakes."
1. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
2. "Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been ‘saucered and blowed.’"
3. "She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm."
4. "It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
5. "My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull."
6. "He’s as country as cornflakes."
Thứ Hai, 15 tháng 11, 2010
Really funny jokes-Live in maid
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."
Chủ Nhật, 14 tháng 11, 2010
Short funny jokes-Garbage
Q. Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A. "t'da dump, t'da dump, t'da dump dump dump."
A. "t'da dump, t'da dump, t'da dump dump dump."
Thứ Bảy, 13 tháng 11, 2010
Hilarious jokes-Not a pleasant way to wake up
One night at about 3 am, my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her. She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders.
After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.
This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg!
That was, of course, too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.
This is not a pleasant way to wake up. Scrambling into consciousness, now scared half to death myself, I managed to get the light on.
The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom.
After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.
This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg!
That was, of course, too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.
This is not a pleasant way to wake up. Scrambling into consciousness, now scared half to death myself, I managed to get the light on.
The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom.
Funny jokes-Handy Hints
*A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from going back to sleep.
*Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
*An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
*Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
*Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
*An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
*Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Thứ Sáu, 12 tháng 11, 2010
Really funny jokes-Regular Man
When a fellow piano tuner was ill, I took over his assignment of tuning a piano in a girls' boarding house. While I was at work, several of the girls strolled casually through the room in various states of undress.
The climax came when a young lady, barely covered with a small towel, appeared to pay the bill. As I was writing the receipt, she suddenly gave me a bewildered look, then fled, screaming, "That's not our regular man!"
Their regular man is blind.
The climax came when a young lady, barely covered with a small towel, appeared to pay the bill. As I was writing the receipt, she suddenly gave me a bewildered look, then fled, screaming, "That's not our regular man!"
Their regular man is blind.
Yo Mama jokes-In traffic
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible car with the top down.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible car with the top down.
Thứ Năm, 11 tháng 11, 2010
Adult jokes-Had it
An old man walked into a brothel one day and said to the madam, "I would really like a young girl for the night"
"How old are you then sir?" asked the madam.
"I am 98 years old and still going strong, cough, cough!"
"Ninety Eight?!" said the madam, "Don't you realise that you've had it?"
"Oh, really?" replied the old man, "How much do I owe you?"
"How old are you then sir?" asked the madam.
"I am 98 years old and still going strong, cough, cough!"
"Ninety Eight?!" said the madam, "Don't you realise that you've had it?"
"Oh, really?" replied the old man, "How much do I owe you?"
Thứ Tư, 10 tháng 11, 2010
Really funny jokes-Better Judge
When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”
Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: “So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.” (1 Corinthians 7:38)
Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: “Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage.”
Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: “So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.” (1 Corinthians 7:38)
Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: “Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage.”
Good jokes-Going out!
I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.
“Going out?” I called to them hopefully.
“No,” said the man. “Just friends.”
“Going out?” I called to them hopefully.
“No,” said the man. “Just friends.”
Thứ Ba, 9 tháng 11, 2010
Short funny jokes-Arrested in the coal fields
Q: Did you hear about the hooker who got arrested in the coal fields?
A: She was charged with contributing to the delinquency of a miner.
A: She was charged with contributing to the delinquency of a miner.
Clean jokes-Little known Chocolate tidbits..
If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.
The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.
The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!
Thứ Hai, 8 tháng 11, 2010
Hilarious jokes-How fast
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: "Well, son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad:
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: "Well, son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad:
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Kids jokes-Honesty
My son, David, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
Chủ Nhật, 7 tháng 11, 2010
One line jokes-Scottish farmer
The Scottish farmer thought he'd caught a nasty STD, but it turns out he was just allergic to wool.
Really funny jokes-Free of cost
An ant knocks on the door of a house.
The house owner opens the door.
"I want a place to stay," said the ant.
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.
The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.
After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested to the owner, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.
After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow the ant to stay with it.
The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.
This continued as the ant brings in one more and and the owner agrees for it.
One fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner to allow him also to stay with it.
The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but you all need to pay rent."
Now the question is: Why did the owner ask for rent when the last ant came in?
Because they are now tenants!
The house owner opens the door.
"I want a place to stay," said the ant.
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.
The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.
After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested to the owner, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.
After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow the ant to stay with it.
The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.
This continued as the ant brings in one more and and the owner agrees for it.
One fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner to allow him also to stay with it.
The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but you all need to pay rent."
Now the question is: Why did the owner ask for rent when the last ant came in?
Because they are now tenants!
Thứ Bảy, 6 tháng 11, 2010
Redneck jokes-You might be one if
You Might Be a Redneck If......
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
* You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
* You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
* You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
* Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
* You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
* You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
* You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
* Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
Thứ Sáu, 5 tháng 11, 2010
Adult jokes | Name after soda pop
Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?" The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime." The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up." The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels." The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"
Good jokes-Use my landmower
My neighbour Bill asked if he could use my lawnmower.
I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Funny jokes-Actual writings on Hospital Charts
Actual writings on Hospital Charts
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Skin: somewhat pall, but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room·
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Skin: somewhat pall, but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room·
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Thứ Năm, 4 tháng 11, 2010
One line jokes - Mother's opinion
Mother's opinion about 2 days old baby : He is like his father, whenever I talk to him, he goes to sleep.
Really funny jokes-Marriage secret
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."
Clean jokes-Golf Meditations
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Thứ Tư, 3 tháng 11, 2010
Short funny jokes-Wnd beneath my wings
Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.
Hilarious jokes-Sharing the bed
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
Thứ Ba, 2 tháng 11, 2010
Nursery rhymes children might have missed
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
Really funny jokes-Rude readhead
The rude redhead was on a blind date set up by a friend. She was disgusted by him - he had bad teeth, and was fairly dirty.
"Wow," he said, "when I was told that you were fiery, I didn't realize they meant you were a redhead."
"Wow," she replied tartly, "I didn't realize that when they said you were under six feet, they meant that's where they dug you up from."
"Wow," he said, "when I was told that you were fiery, I didn't realize they meant you were a redhead."
"Wow," she replied tartly, "I didn't realize that when they said you were under six feet, they meant that's where they dug you up from."
Thứ Hai, 1 tháng 11, 2010
Doctor jokes-Epidural
My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.
Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!"
Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!"
Really good stuff-About Women.Part 2
* Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.* Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
* Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
* Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
* Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
* Women think all beer is the same.
* Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
* Women don't understand the appeal of sports.
* Women brush their hair before bed.
* Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
* Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
* Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
Chủ Nhật, 31 tháng 10, 2010
Really funny jokes-FM radio
Kamran called FM radio & said "I've found a purse with Rs.15000/-, a credit card & an ID card of Mr. Nasir, No. J /125, Liaquatabad, Rawalpindi….
Radio Jockey : How honest ….so you want to return his purse…?
Kamran : No……. I just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him…
Radio Jockey : How honest ….so you want to return his purse…?
Kamran : No……. I just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him…
Thứ Bảy, 30 tháng 10, 2010
Yo Mama jokes-So ugly
Yo Mamma is so ugly,
just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo Mamma is so ugly,
it makes me wish birth control is retroactive.
Yo Mamma is so ugly,
Rice Krispies won't talk to her.
Yo Mamma is so ugly,
she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off of it.
Yo Mamma is so ugly,
people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen.
just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo Mamma is so ugly,
it makes me wish birth control is retroactive.
Yo Mamma is so ugly,
Rice Krispies won't talk to her.
Yo Mamma is so ugly,
she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off of it.
Yo Mamma is so ugly,
people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen.
Short funny jokes-Passion for Maths
Women have a Passion for Mathematics
They divide their age in half
Double the price of their clothes &
Always add at least 5 years to the age of their Best Friend.
They divide their age in half
Double the price of their clothes &
Always add at least 5 years to the age of their Best Friend.
Thứ Sáu, 29 tháng 10, 2010
Hilarious jokes-All the credit
Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Really funny jokes-Things your mother would never say
Things Your Mother Would NEVER Say...
-- Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
-- Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
-- That outfit isn't hot enough, here, unbutton your top .
-- Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
-- The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
-- Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
-- Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
-- Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.
-- Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
-- Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
-- That outfit isn't hot enough, here, unbutton your top .
-- Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
-- The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
-- Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
-- Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
-- Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.
Thứ Năm, 28 tháng 10, 2010
Adult jokes | Self raising
One day, a young man entered a general store, and asked the beautiful, young, mini-skirted woman for a loaf of self-raising bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The woman climbed up a ladder, reached for the bread, and provided the man with an excellent view of her firm cheeks. It wasn’t long before dozens of young men were going into the store and asking for self-raising bread. After a while, she became tired and irritated. She stood at the top of the ladder, and said to an elderly man stood amongst the throng, “Is yours self-raising too?” The feeble old man croaked, “No, unfortunately, I need a little manual help!”
Practical jokes-Shipwrecked
Whether one is "shipwrecked" or just plain "wrecked," perhaps the following words of wisdom might help one stay at or near the surface. Keep the following in mind if you experience any of these symptoms while in a bar:
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
CAUSE: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
CAUSE: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Find a dog. Stand next to him. Complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
CAUSE: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have someone fetch some rope and tie you down in upright position.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
CAUSE: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
CAUSE: Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Go to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
CAUSE: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
CAUSE: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
CAUSE: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Open window fast.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
CAUSE: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Find
someone cushy-looking. Fall on him.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
CAUSE: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Pour contents of glass on him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
CAUSE: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
CAUSE: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
CAUSE: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
CAUSE: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Find someone sober to sing the song for you. Play backup air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
CAUSE: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
CAUSE: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Find a dog. Stand next to him. Complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
CAUSE: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have someone fetch some rope and tie you down in upright position.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
CAUSE: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
CAUSE: Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Go to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
CAUSE: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
CAUSE: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
CAUSE: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Open window fast.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
CAUSE: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Find
someone cushy-looking. Fall on him.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
CAUSE: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Pour contents of glass on him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
CAUSE: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
CAUSE: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
CAUSE: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
CAUSE: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Find someone sober to sing the song for you. Play backup air guitar.
Clean jokes-Missing goat
Farmer Azmat slaughtered a goat and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.
He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Azmat, did you ever find out who stole your goat?"
"Nope," said Azmat. "Not until just now."
He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Azmat, did you ever find out who stole your goat?"
"Nope," said Azmat. "Not until just now."
Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 10, 2010
Redneck jokes-Etiquette for All Occasions
Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions!
*Never take a beer to a job interview
*It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
*Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
*Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home.
*Never take a beer to a job interview
*It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
*Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
*Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home.
Good jokes-Remake of The Exorcist
Q. Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake "The Exorcist"?
A. It's about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!
A. It's about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!
Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 10, 2010
Really funny jokes-Second fiddle
The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him.
He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"
The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"
He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"
The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"
Clean jokes-Calming with tranquilizers
The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking
regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"
"Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."
"And how is your son now?" he asked.
She replied, "Who cares ..."
regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"
"Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."
"And how is your son now?" he asked.
She replied, "Who cares ..."
Thứ Hai, 25 tháng 10, 2010
Short funny jokes-Cow who works for a gardener
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
A lawn moo-er.
Funny jokes-You're A Teacher If...
You're A Teacher If...
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says: "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says: "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"
Thứ Bảy, 23 tháng 10, 2010
Adult jokes | Lonely widow
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:HUSBAND WANTED:MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),MUST NOT BEAT ME,MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. Two days later the doorbell rang. She opened the door, and much to her dismay, there sat a gray-haired gentleman in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "Are you responding to my ad?" the woman asked. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" "Yes, I am," the man replied. The old lady sneered: "Just look at you. You have no legs !"The old gentleman smiled and said: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms, either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, and softly replied: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" The wedding is set for Saturday.
Office jokes-Four bones
The body of any organization has four bones:
1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;
2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;
3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;
4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.
1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;
2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;
3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;
4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.
Really funny jokes-Names And Puns
Names And Puns
I Want to Help: Abel N. Willin
Smart Beer Making: Bud Wiser
Genie in a Bottle: Grant Wishes
Fifty Yards to the Outhouse: Willy Makit and Betty Woant
Tinseltown Tales: Holly Wood
Ready...Set. ..: Sadie Word
Raising Flowers By Hand: Flo Wrist
Skunks in the Shrubbery: P. Yew
I'm Fine: Howard Yu
The Dead Of Winter: Jan Yuary
Mensa Man: Gene Yuss
Tear Up Those Betting Slips: Lou Zerr
Hollywood Gossip: Phyllis Zinn
Mexican Revenge: Monty Zuma
The German Bank Robbery: Hans Zupp
I Want to Help: Abel N. Willin
Smart Beer Making: Bud Wiser
Genie in a Bottle: Grant Wishes
Fifty Yards to the Outhouse: Willy Makit and Betty Woant
Tinseltown Tales: Holly Wood
Ready...Set. ..: Sadie Word
Raising Flowers By Hand: Flo Wrist
Skunks in the Shrubbery: P. Yew
I'm Fine: Howard Yu
The Dead Of Winter: Jan Yuary
Mensa Man: Gene Yuss
Tear Up Those Betting Slips: Lou Zerr
Hollywood Gossip: Phyllis Zinn
Mexican Revenge: Monty Zuma
The German Bank Robbery: Hans Zupp
Thứ Sáu, 22 tháng 10, 2010
Adult jokes | The Proposal
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant..So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and & inches in your pants" After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read:"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
Hilarious jokes-Moby Dick
It was Sunday afternoon, and Pat and Mick were bored.
"Let's go to the pictures," said Mick, "we could see Moby Dick."
"I don't like them R-rated films," Pat replied.
"Don't be so daft," said Mick. "It's about whales."
"That's worse," said Pat, "I can't stand them Welsh fools."
"Let's go to the pictures," said Mick, "we could see Moby Dick."
"I don't like them R-rated films," Pat replied.
"Don't be so daft," said Mick. "It's about whales."
"That's worse," said Pat, "I can't stand them Welsh fools."
Little Johnny jokes-Raw material
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"
"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"
"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
Thứ Năm, 21 tháng 10, 2010
Animal jokes-Friendly Dog
One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the doctor's office.
Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"
"Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters! How much 'friendlier' than that can she get?"
Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"
"Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters! How much 'friendlier' than that can she get?"
Really funny jokes-Noise Abatement
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
Thứ Tư, 20 tháng 10, 2010
Funny jokes-Animals
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
Short funny jokes-Sunburn
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the admin. assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
Thứ Ba, 19 tháng 10, 2010
Really funny jokes-Taking a walk
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"
Thứ Hai, 18 tháng 10, 2010
Adult jokes | Newly married man
A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance? " "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."
Teacher jokes-Tough Exam
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
Good jokes-If you're a cop
If you're a cop......Nine Ways NOT To Start Your Police Report:
1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...
3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ...
4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout- outs" for my homeys in the command staff.
5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ...
6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.
7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly. ..
8. The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ...
9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...
1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...
3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ...
4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout- outs" for my homeys in the command staff.
5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ...
6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.
7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly. ..
8. The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ...
9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...
Chủ Nhật, 17 tháng 10, 2010
Redneck jokes-Twelve days of Christmas
The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas
On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
Some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
Some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
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