Funny jokes-New Year resolution

New Year resolution

2005: I will get my weight down below 180.
2006: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2008: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2009: I will work out 5 days a week.
2010: I will work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Economy jokes-Back to Mexico

"The economy is still hurting. Thirty percent of Americans are so disillusioned, they are thinking of moving back to Mexico."
- Jay Leno

Really funny jokes-Henpecked Husbands

Henpecked Husbands

* He comes right out and says what she tells him to Think.

* She does not have to raise the roof, all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.

* He always has the last word - he says, "I'm sorry".

* He was a man about town; she has turned him into a mouse around the house.

* The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.

* He was a dude before marriage - now he is Subdued.

* He goes to a woman dentist - it's a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.

Short funny jokes-In labor

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?

Hilarious jokes-Ways to tell someone their fly is open

Ways to tell someone their fly is open.

11. I can see the gun of Navarone.

10. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

9. You've got Windows on your laptop.

8. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

7. Your soldier aint so unknown now.

6. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

5. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

4. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

3. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

One line jokes-Down under

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

Really funny jokes-Training for Women

Women think they already know everything, but wait… training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

20. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You've Worn Before

Christmas jokes-Bald

What's your dad getting for Christmas?

Bald and fat.

Political jokes-Obama and Bush

“Rush Limbaugh said that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies.”
–Jimmy Fallon

Christmas jokes-A drunk's night

A Drunk’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
There were bottles of booze left around by some louse.
When through the North window there came a loud yell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell…

And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh.
I knew it was Santa, quite tiddley and gay.

Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he belched and hiccoughed and called them by name
“On Whiskey! On Vodka! we ain’t got all night,
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right!

Clamber up on the roof, and get off this wall,
Get going you rummies, we’ve still got a long haul!”
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.

And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.

He was both plump and chubby, and tried to stand right,
But he didn’t fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.

Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.

But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight,
“Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight!”

Football jokes-Tornado

Q: Where do you go in Philadelphia in case of a tornado?

A: To the Linc - they never have a touchdown there!

Really funny jokes-Two sides to a movie

On many U.S. Navy ships the movie screen is suspended amid-ship so that it can be viewed from both sides. This procedure makes it available to larger crowds at popular movies, but usually the junior officers get a reverse image from "the wrong side of the screen."

One evening at dinnertime an enterprising young ensign passed the following word over the officer's IMC circuit: "The movie to be shown in the wardroom tonight for the senior officers is on the right side of the screen - The Right-Handed Gun, starring Paul Newman."

"For the junior officers on the wrong side of the screen - The Left-Handed Gun, starring Namwen Luap."

Christmas jokes-Little angel

One Christmas, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were problems ...... everywhere.

Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.

After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up.

The angel greeted him very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn't it just the loveliest Christmas tree you've ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Obama jokes-Taxpayer

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was.”
–Jay Leno

Clean jokes-Constipation problem

An old woman went to see her doctor about her constipation problem.

"It's horrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Yes, doctor," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a 20 minutes in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

Really funny jokes-Drafted

I didn't enlist in the Army - I was drafted.

So I wasn't going to make life easy for anyone.

During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"

"What letters?" I answered slyly.

"Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."

Short funny jokes-No idea

A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"

And the driver replies "Bout wut?"

Calorie distribution

Veronica and Deborah decided to split a can of Diet Pepsi. Veronica opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.

"Only one calorie per can," she read aloud.

"Hmm," murmured Deborah. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?"

Really funny jokes-Best memory

A Man and his son were hiking in the grand canyon. The go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a native American sitting on a rock.

The father points to the native American and says, "son, native Americans have the best memory of any peoples in the world."

The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the native American and says, "What did you have for breakfast last Tuesday."

Without hesitation the Native American responds, "eggs." The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.

30 years later the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same native American on the same rock.

He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this native American. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says "HOW"

Native American responds, "Scrambled."

One line jokes-Hammer

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

Good jokes-Services operating jointly

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to secure a building, they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Hilarious jokes-Complicated family

Robert and Sam had become friends recently. They were sitting in a coffee shop and trying to get to know each other.

Robert: “Tell me something about your family.”

Sam: “Sure thing. I have two brothers and two sisters. What about you?”

Robert: “No siblings. But I have three moms because of my first dad and three dads because of my first mom.”

Really funny jokes-History repeats itself

Bobby’s five year old received a water gun from his grandfather. The kid was mighty pleased and instantly ran to the tap to fill it up. Bobby was a little anxious.

Bobby: “Dad, I wonder what made you buy that gift, don’t you remember how I used to harass you and drive you crazy?”

Dad (with a twinkle in his eyes): “Sure, I do. I do.”

Football jokes-Tennessee Titans fans

What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen Tennessee Titans fans in one room?

A full set of teeth!

Funny jokes-Light hearted humor about France

Some light hearted humor related to France

1. An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French. Raise both hands if you are French.

2. How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

3. I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.
- General George S. Patton

4. Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.
- Norman Scwartzkopf

5. Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

Lawyer jokes-Hilarious quotes

Quotes by Lawyers

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

Clean jokes-APPLE and BLACKBERRY

Our parents taught us the meaning of APPLE and BLACKBERRY

Now

We are teaching them the features of APPLE and BLACKBERRY . .

Really funny jokes-The Genie's condition

Benny Shapiro worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He used to tell his friends that he was the curator, although his primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished.

One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous Genie appeared before him.

"Master," the Genie began, "I am the Genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you -- you must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever."

Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49% of the total Microsoft stock which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife and lo and behold she was. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune and he instantly became a worldwide celebrity.

Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and more irritating - while the memory of the Genie's warning faded. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay there forever.

The moral of the story?

A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

Office jokes-Signs your Boss is Stupid

Signs your Boss is Stupid

Schedules emergency visit to urologist after overhearing office gossip regarding "Peter principle" and "downsizing."

Answers every question with "yes," "no," or "reply hazy, try again later."

Finally traded in the company fleet of Ford Pintos -- for Ford Explorers.

You've just received permission to leave for your 4th fact- finding trip to learn about "Tolkien Ring Networks" this week.

Thinks that by monitoring your e-mail he.. is the best loved, nicest and by far the most brilliant boss to work for.

Believes that Britney really "is' a virgin.

You send him a memo saying that for Halloween, you're coming as The Invisible Man -- then you don't come in at all. The next day, he promotes you for your ingenuity.

He's attempting to sleep his way to the top, starting with the CEO's wife.

You receive yet "another" fruit basket after calling in the death of your fifth grandmother this year alone.

Bases the company's budget on the $1,000 each employee was going to receive for forwarding Bill Gates's e-mail.

Despite your constant reminders, the moron can't seem to stop counting at five.

Thinks that "downsizing" means ordering a small drink and fries with his burger.

Had the network customized so that he can print confidential documents directly to the shredder.

Took her a month to figure out that the desk lamp wasn't a "Clapper" like on the night stand at home.

No need to ask for a raise; just approach him repeatedly and ask him if he has two tens for a five.

Ever since he approved your "On-Site Telecommuter" idea, you get to go to the office wearing a robe, Superman underpants and bunny slippers.

During meetings, constantly turns to Jesus Gonzalez from Marketing and asks, "What would YOU do?"

One line jokes-Follow your dreams

Follow your dreams, except the one where you’re at school in your underwear.

Hilarious jokes-Reading problem

An eye specialist to a patient: “Read those letters.”

Patient: “Where are they?”

Doctor: “On the board.”

Patient: “Where is the board?”

Doctor: “On the wall.”

Patient: “Where is the wall?”

Obama jokes-Same responsibility

Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”
–Jay Leno

Kids jokes-Save some money

Dad, would you like to save some money?
I certainly would, son.
Any suggestions?
Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

Really funny jokes-No payment for six months

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"

Animal jokes-Pampered cow

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

Clean jokes-Open the trunk

A Lebanese man was driving when he came to a Syrian Military checkpoint, staffed by a battalion that consisted of young men from Homs. The young soldier pointed his rifle into this man's window and asked to see his papers. Then he asked him to get out of the car and open his trunk.

Realizing that if the soldier saw what was in his trunk he would be arrested, he told the young Homsi soldier that if he took his foot off the break, his car would roll down the hill. He instructed the soldier to get in the car and step on the break while the man opened the trunk.

The man opened the trunk and yelled to the soldier sitting in the car that there was nothing suspicious there. The young Homsi was satisfied and the thanked the Lebanese man and sent him on his way!

Good jokes-Shaking a carpet

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Really funny jokes-Small take

A West Virginia man walked into a Kwik Stop and asked for all the cash in the drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for 3 hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Animal jokes-Three baby unicorns

There was mother unicorn and she had 3 baby unicorns. The first baby unicorn came and said "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"

The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a daisy fell right on your forehead."

She said "Ah that's sweet."

She kissed her on the cheek and left. The next baby unicorn comes in and she said "Mommy, why did you name Rose?"

The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a rose fell right on your forehead."

She said "Ah thats sweet." She kissed her on the forehead and walked away.

Then the third baby unicorn comes in and she was like "DERREDUBUDUBJEHDK" and the mom said "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!"

Funny jokes-Look fat?

When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"

The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

Really funny jokes-Over the tree

A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried, and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall."

SMS jokes-Reruns

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia?

Documentaries.

Short funny jokes-Bored housewife

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 41, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.

Hilarious jokes-Taking turns

While traveling cross country, a couple decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbled in and headed for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifted his leg over the stool, he cut one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human. The tourist jumped up and screamed, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and said, "Beggin' yer pardon, ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."

One line jokes-Ruin

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

Really funny jokes-Drownology

An over-smart tourist was traveling by boat in Hong Kong.

he asked the boatman "Do you know how all life on earth came from the sea?"

Boatman: "No!"

Tourist: "Do you know Biology?"

Boatman: "No, Not much!"

Tourist: "Do you know anything about Psychology, Geography, or Geology?"

Boatman: "No"

Tourist: "Really!! Then What the hell do you know, do you want to die of illiteracy!"

After sometime, the boat started to sink, so the boatman asked the tourist :

Boatman: "Do you know Swimology & Escapology?"

The scared Tourist: "No!! why??"

Boatman: "Really!! Well you will Drownology and Crocodilogy will eat your Bodiology and you will Dieology because of your Badmouthology"

Clean jokes-Living in Beirut

You live in Beirut when:

1. You can't speak in just one language for more than two sentences straight.

2. You know people by their cars... "Tony with the silver BMW, not the blue one. Tony with the blue one was hanging out with Jean with the black Mercedes. They were met up by Georges with the Red GTI"

3. The guy who polishes your shoes for 250 lira (16 cents) has a brand new state of the art cell phone.

4. You can't get a job because you're not Syrian, Filipino, Sri Lankan, or Egyptian.

5. You have family members in at least three other continents.

6. During the World Cup, you forget what country you're in because of all the Brazilian, German, French, and Italian flags hanging on people's cars, balconies, and over the street.

7. The driver in front of you has a "Michael Schumacher" sticker on his rear window.

Funny jokes-Losing hair

Boss: “Sam, you are still so young. Why have you lost so much hair.”

Sam: “Yes sir, it's worry and tension.”

Boss: “What worry?”

Sam: “Losing my hair, sir.”

Really funny jokes-Wiper blades

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.

What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

Short funny jokes-Sentimental value

Victim (to mugger): But my watch isn't any good, it only has sentimental value.

Mugger: That's all right. I AM sentimental.

Hilarious jokes-The chant

There was this man wandering around a by lane aimlessly. He suddenly heard a group shouting “twenty…..twenty…..twenty” in chorus as if in a trance. He saw a building with a tall fence from which the chant was coming.

Curious, the man went near the building, and found a small hole in the fence. He bent a little, put one eye to the hole and saw a group of men chanting the number over and over again. Before he could see further, a finger came out from the hole and poked him in the eye.

As he stumbled back, the chant changed to “twenty one….. twenty one….. twenty one.”

Really funny jokes-Men are like

Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Hilarious jokes-Cure for constipation

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo, who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Short funny jokes-A ring

A girl asked her boyfriend: 'Darling, if we get engaged, will you give me a ring?'

The boy replied, "Sure, what's your phone number?'

Really funny jokes-Oysters

A woman went to see a Doctor, complaining of an upset stomach.

The Doctor asked "What did you have for dinner last night?"

"Oysters," she replied.

"Were the oysters fresh?" asked the doctor.

"How should I know?" said the lady.

"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"

"Oh my god," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

Funny jokes-Previous forest officer

A forest officer was transferred to a remote area deep inside the jungle where the population was still uncivilized. Further, it was rumored that once upon a time, the people of this tribe were cannibals.

One day the officer asked a small child: “Dear boy, how was our previous forest officer?”

The child replied: “Very tasty, sir.”

Good jokes-Cover them too

Upon receiving several complaints of spellings, grammar and such other mistakes from readers in one newspaper, the editor put the following article in his editor’s note:

“We are the only newspaper which is aware that other than subjects like politics, sports, celebrity gossip, business news etc, some people are particularly fond of finding faults (like puzzles) in news prints. We try and cover them too. "

Really funny jokes-Do angels fly?

Child: “Mom, do angels fly?”

Mom: “Yes, they do.”

Child: “Then why doesn’t our maid fly?”

Mom: “But she is not an angel.”

Child: “Yes, she is. Dad calls her angel.”

Mom: “Does he? All right, you will see her fly tomorrow.”

One line jokes-Focus on others

We're not truly happy until we focus on others.

Short funny jokes-Extra effort

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you..... If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

Adult jokes-Raising the mast

At the yacth club, a guy leered at a girl. "Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?"

"No thanks," she said sweetly. "I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning."

Really funny jokes-The sensational prediction

A very learned and able astrologer was not having any success in his profession. He decided to make a really sensational and dynamic prediction to draw people’s attention and set about the task of various astrological calculations when he made a remarkable discovery. He once again confirmed his findings and made an announcement: “In ten months from now the entire universe will go dark.”

Exactly ten months later the astrologer lost his eyesight.

Good jokes-Make a guess

George was enjoying his drink at the bar, when an ugly woman takes a seat next to him. She had a squirrel sitting on her shoulder.

The woman says to George: "If you can guess what kind of animal I have on my shoulder, I am willing to sleep with you.

George says: "It must be a crocodile?"

The woman says: "Close enough"

Celebrity jokes-Internet address

Q. What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?

A. Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

Really funny jokes-Lost in snow

Gina got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it".

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

Clean jokes-Good support

Mohan had a bag containing purchases when he boarded a crowded bus. As the bus moved, Mohan supported himself carrying the bag in one hand and holding a handle bar in with another. When the conductor asked him money for the ticket, Mohan pleaded with him to hold the bag so that he can take out his wallet. The Conductor flatly refused arguing he was not supposed to carry passenger’s baggage.

Mohan said:”That’s OK, I understand. But you can surely hold the handle for me?”

Hilarious jokes-First time at the restaurant

I was nervous the night my husband and I took our three young sons to a restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, at that moment, our six-year-old piped up, "Mum drinks a lot more than that."

Really funny jokes-Two sisters

Johnson, the Matchmaker, goes to meet Mr. Ford, who is a bachelor for many years.

Johnson says to Mr. Ford, "I suggest you do not delay it any further. I have someone in mind who is just perfect for you. You just have to say yes and I'll arrange for you to meet her. Before you know, you'll be married!"

"Please don't bother," replies Mr. Ford, "I have two sisters at home, who take care of all my needs."

Johnson says, "Well that's good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

Hilarious jokes-Broken engagement

Mike: “Mary has broken our engagement saying I am not rich enough.”

Harry: “But you should have told her about your maternal uncle. He is stinking rich and you are his only successor.”

Mike: “I did that. That is when she broke off with me and got engaged to my uncle.

Short funny jokes-New law

A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Really funny jokes-Bad at Maths

There was A teacher who was shouting at his class because they were so incredibly lazy, "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you flunk this math class," he said.

One of the kids put up his hand. "But teacher, there aren't that many in this class," he said.

Thanksgiving humor

How to cook a Turkey

Bring home a turkey
Take a drink of scotch
Put turkey in the oven
Take another 2 drinks of scotch
Set the degree at 375 ovens
Take 3 more scotch of drink
Turk the bastey
Scotch another bottle of get
Ponder the meat thermometer
Glass yourself a pour of scotch
Bake the scotch for 4 hours
Take the oven out of the turkey
Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Turk the carvey
Get yourself another scottle of botch
Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Bless the dinner and pass out!

Short funny jokes-Fat and drunk

Apparently, teenagers are soaking Gummy bears in vodka and then eating them to get drunk. It does make me somewhat proud to be an American, because we finally found a way to get fat and drunk at the same time.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Office jokes-Trick of the trade

Bob wanted to uplift his status in life but his boss was not giving him a raise for quite some time.

Exasperated, one day Bob went to his boss and said: “Now you have to give me a raise, otherwise there are three companies after me.

Boss (sarcastically): “Oh yes? Which are these companies if I am not being too pertinent?”

Bob: “Telephone company, Mortgage company and Electricity company.”

Bob got his desired raise.

Really funny jokes-It's a Mad world

A man was driving in front of a mental hospital when he had a flat tire. While changing the rear punctured wheel, he lost all six nut bolts in the nearby drain by accident. The man was now stuck and didn’t know what to do. Just then a guy came out of the mental hospital and asked if he could help. The car owner noticed an identity card of the hospital around his neck with patient number printed on it. He still asked the patient if there was any garage around.

The patient said: “No, it is at least five miles from here. But I suggest you take out one bolt each from the rest of the three wheels, fit them on your rear wheel and drive slowly and carefully to the garage. You will find all you need there.”

The car owner was dumb-struck. He himself should have thought of this simple solution. He thanked the man and asked politely if he was really mad.

The patient replied: “Yes, of course I am mad, but I am no fool.”

Clean jokes-Identity thief

Identity thief:

"I can't sit around here taking it easy.
I've got places to go and people to be!"

Funny jokes-Surprised in Hell

My 10-year old son asked me, "There are so many people in the world. When they die, is Heaven is going to fill up?"

I replied, "No, that's most unlikely. The number of people who will actually go there is much smaller than those who think they'll go there. Hell is full of people who are incredibly surprised."

Really funny jokes-illegal to count

A Swedish tourist in New York was standing in front of the Empire State building, and started counting all the floors.

A policeman approached him and thought to himself: "This guy must be Swedish" and decided to take advantage of him. He went up to him and said: "Do you know that it is illegal to count the floors on buildings in the United States?"

The Swede replied: "No sir, I had no idea."

The police officer then said: "I'm afraid I'll have to charge you $10.00 per floor you counted."

The Swede then said: "Oh, I counted 50 floors, sir."

After the police officer left, the Swede thought to himself: "My, how these Americans are stupid! I told him that I had counted 50 floors when I had actually counted 51!"

Knock knock jokes-The interrupting cow

"Knock-knock."
"Who's there?"
"The interrupting cow."
"The interrupting cow wh-"
"MOOOO!"
"Very f-"
"MOOOO!"
"I get i-"
"MOOOO!"
"OK, that's get-"
"MOOOO!"
"Seriously, that's get-"
"MOOOO!"
"SHUT U-"
"MOOOO!"
"Go to-"
"MOOOO!"
"You're being a-"
"MOOOO!"

Short funny jokes-Is it yours?

"Dad, I'm pregnant," declared the daughter.

"Hold on a second. Are you certain it's yours?" the Polish father responded.

Really funny jokes-Switching the birthday gift

Mike bought a piano for Jane on her birthday. After a few days, Mike's friend inquired with him how Jane was doing with the piano.

"Well," said Mike, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"Why is that?" asked the friend.

Mike answered, "that's because with a clarinet, she cannot sing."

Good jokes-Labor issues

One Afghan and one Indian labor minister, were in a meeting discussing labor issues.

The Afghan labor minister said; ”I am in eternally stressed. There are labor issues in my country that create hundreds of problems for me every day.”

The Indian;”That’s no problem at all. There are labor issues in my country that produce 60000 babies every day.”

Teacher jokes-Expand

One day, Little Tommy asked his Class teacher, "Teacher, why are the days longer in the summer?"

The teacher answered, "It's because of the heat. It makes everything expand."

Really funny jokes-The patch up job

Newly married Tina had committed a blunder in her husband’s absence. As soon as the man returned from work, she blurted; “Here I was ironing your finest suit and burnt this hole in the seat of your trousers.”

The husband, large hearted that he was, said; “I have another pair of trousers that matches that suit, so do not worry.”

Tina: ” Thank God for that, because I was able to patch up the hole using those trousers only.”

One line jokes-Help others

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Hilarious jokes-Secret to a Happy Marriage

There is a secret to a Happy Marriage. You need to follow the below checklist:

Firstly, you need to find a woman who cooks and cleans

Secondly, you need to find a woman who earns well

Thirdly, you need to find a woman who enjoys great love making.

Finally, it is important that these three women should never meet.

Really funny jokes-The winning machine

There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian factory. Olaf didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and put his money in the machine and got one sandwich. He was so excited, he put more of his money into the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.

Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
"Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"

"What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"

Short funny jokes-Half job

A student went to a bookstore to buy a Maths book.

The shopkeeper told him, "This book will do half the job for you,"

The student replied "Great, I will buy two of those"

Really funny jokes-Celebrating in Hell

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'

Hilarious jokes-Support

Having awarded a divorce to Dorothy who had charged non-support, the Judge said to John, "I have decided to give your wife $500 a month for support."

"That's fine", said John, "And once in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

Short funny jokes-Lost seat

An Irishman was traveling on the night-train, but was unable to find his seat.

The conductor asked him if he could approximately remember where it was.

"No," the Swede said, "all I can remember is that there was a river outside of it."

Really funny jokes-Out of place

A young man walks through New York Chinatown and notices a shop with the name Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. He thought it seemed out of place but curiosity got the best of him and he walked into the shop. He sees an old Chinese man sitting in the corner.

He asked the old man, How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?

Old Man - That's the name of the owner.

Young Man - Who's the owner?

Old Man - I am.

Young Man - How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?

Old Man - Many years ago when I came to this country from Hong Kong, I was standing in line at Immigration. A man in front of me was a big blond Norwegian. The lady from Immigration asked him, What is your name? He say "Hans Olaffsen". Lady ask me, What is your name? I say Sam Ting.

Good jokes-Habit

A nun is walking down the street , when a priest stops her to ask, "Can I walk you to the Convent?"
The Nun replies, "Ok, Just this time."

On reaching the Convent, he asks her, "Can I kiss you?"

She says, "Ok, fine with me, but do not get into the habit."

Hilarious jokes-Indecisive

Statement by a candidate in Washington State during the 2000 campaign:

"...and if elected, I will not be, as my opponent has been in office, undecisive, uh, indecisive."h

Really funny jokes-Desperately seeking Roses

I wanted to buy some flowers for my wife, so I went to the florist shop. As the shopkeeper was preparing a bouquet of Red roses for me, a guy barged in and asked for a dozen red roses.

The shopkeeper, pointing at me, replied to him that the last bunch of roses was already sold. Looking at me, this guy pleaded desperately, "Can you PLEASE give me those roses?"

I asked the man, "What's wrong? Did you forget your Wedding Anniversary?"

"Even worse", he admitted", "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

Obama jokes-Nintendo for the Pope

“So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they’re saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope.”
–Jay Leno

Funny jokes-To the extent

She was Blonde to the extent that:

...she wanted to check how long she could sleep, so she took a ruler to bed
...she thought General Motors was an army man.
...she thought there was a new CD for cats called Meow Mix.
...she studied hard for a blood test.
...she thought she had to buy a token to get into "Soul Train."
...she sold the car so she could buy gas!
...she took Bus No. 33 twice when she missed Bus No. 66

Really funny jokes-Things to do when computer crashes

Today, everyone is a victim of what we call the Internet lifestyle. Given below is a list of things for you to do when your computer crashes.

1. You can dial 911 instantly.

2. Pull open the curtains to observe i there have been any changes in the last 2 years.

3. Do you mean there is actually something else to do?

4. You can threaten your server with an impeachment vote.

5. You can Work for a change.

6. Introduce yourself again to your immediate family.

7. Consider that kidney transplant you've been putting off for so long.

8. Check out if yuor eyes can focus on objects further than 4 feet.

9. Get your chair fixed at a store near you for butt groove.

10. Look for Tylenol!

11. You can do some shopping with your clothes on.

12. You can check your snail mail box every 10 minutes.

One line jokes-Going to Court

Going to Court means that your fate is in the hands of twelve people who were not good enough to get out of jury duty!

Good jokes-Jury and justice

How do you define Jury?
It is a team of twelve individuals trying to figure out which party has the best lawyer.

How do you define Justice?
It can be defined as a decision which favors you.

Really funny jokes-Apples on trees

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are real easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now, men.... Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Clean jokes-Biology Revisited

Biology Revisited

When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Thesaurus is an ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Short funny jokes-Party game

What is a party game played by Swedes?

One Swede goes into a box and the other Swede tries to guess which Swede is in it.

Really funny jokes-French humor

Funny French Humor

1. The firm Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products in French Canada as "Gros Jos" before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big bosoms". Apparently the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales of their product.

2. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine.

3. Seen in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

4. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

5. In a Chambres d'Htes in Brittany, France: "The genuine antics in your room come from our family castle. Long life to it." and "Please avoid coca watering, cream cleaning, wet towels wrapping, and ironing drying."

Clean jokes-Case like this

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”

Good jokes-Nail biting habit

One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails.

"Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?"

"It vas really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

Really funny jokes-Fart in the bath

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer.

"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.

"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."

Funny jokes-Pinot Wines

There are many "pinot" wines on the market these days: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.

Adult jokes-Curly hair

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair?

Apparently, it's Africa.

Really funny jokes-Boy baby

In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"

The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"

"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.

"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties"

Obama jokes-Unusual gift

“It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.”
–Craig Ferguson

Good jokes-You might be a Statistician if

You Might Be a Statistician if...

no one wants your job.
you are right 95% of the time.
you feel complete and sufficient.
you found accountancy too exciting.
you never have to say you are certain.
you may not be normal but you are transformable.

Really funny jokes-Pregnancy Dictionary

Pregnancy Dictionary

Afterbirth:
When the hard part begins.

Cravings:
An excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

Dilation:
One of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.

Elastiphobia:
Fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."

First Trimester:
The first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"

Maternity Clothes:
What a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.

Miracle:
1. The birth of a baby.
2. The fact that you lived to tell about it.

Obstetrician:
The doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.

Pregnant Pause:
The amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.

Prenatal:
When your life was still your own.

Pushing:
The final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime.

Second Trimester:
The time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"

Third Trimester:
The final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"

Kids jokes-CD Holder

My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should not leave the holder in the sun.

During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house.

Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you put it where the sun doesn't shine!"

The electrician took a break.

Celebrity jokes-Snoop Dogg and 50 Cent

Q: What did Snoop Dogg say to 50 Cent when he saw him putting on a sweater?

A: Hey G, you knit?

Funny jokes-Signs You are Addicted to the Internet

Signs You are Addicted to the Internet

* You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.

* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.

* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

* All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...

* And even your night dreams are in HTML.

French jokes

Which ghost was president of France?
Charles de Ghoul'

What is the Guillotine?
A French chopping centre.

Really funny jokes-Obama at the Bank

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America !!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque"

Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

Lawyer jokes-Contingent fee

When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."

Animal jokes-Warm in winter

How do sheep keep warm in winter ?

Central bleating !

Really funny jokes-Baseball fan

There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Baseball World Series final. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was way up there. He couldn't see the game, so he began looking around.

Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there.

The man replied, 'No.' So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.

'Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?'

The man answers, 'Oh, that was my wife's seat.'

'Where is she?' the guy replied.

'She died.'

'Oh, I'm sorry ... don't you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?'

'No, they couldn't come.'

'Why?'

'Because they are at her funeral.'

Short funny jokes-Hurricanes and tornadoes

Why do hurricanes travel so fast?
Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.

What is a tornado ?
Mother nature doing the twist !

Good jokes-The borrowing neighbour

Every time, Peter, the man next door headed toward Paul's house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow something, he was always doing so and it was driving him nuts.

"Peter won't get away with it this time," muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your hedge trimmer this morning?" asked Paul the neighbour.

"Crikey, I'm terribly sorry," said Paul with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," smiled Peter, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?

Really funny jokes-Welcoming the neighbour

Archie, a successful business man becomes fed up with all the stress of big city life and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and buys a large ranch in the middle of the outback, just north of Barossa Valley in South Australia.

After a couple of months of enjoying the quietness and solitude he hears the drumming of hoofs outside his home. Seizing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse, "G’day neighbour, hold it right there.”

The rider says, "I'm your neighbour, I have a ranch only 20 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting..… we'll have a great time."

Not wanting to be unfriendly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"

"Blimey, mate, it don't matter," replied the neighbour, "There’s only gonna be the two of us."

One line jokes-Meetings

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

Obama jokes-Smart daughters

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”
–Jay Leno

Really funny jokes-Ski Season Training

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

2. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

3. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

4. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

5. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

6. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

7. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

8. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

9. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

10. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

11. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

12. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

13. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

14. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

15. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

16. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

Short funny jokes-I'm beside myself

People who say, "I'm beside myself," are often mistaken; with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins.

Hilarious jokes-Raising rabbits

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook, Jean Luc, decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

Jean Luc searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found.

Finally, an old priest, Father Pierre, at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. Jean Luc successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them.

One restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. Jean Luc replied with a smile, 'I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.'

Really funny jokes-The ticket inspector

A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. I assumed that most French would speak English. I found that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.

"No," I admitted.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

Good jokes-Peg Leg Baldy

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume party. Being shy and self-conscious about his appearance, he goes to the best costume shop in town. When he gets there, he tells the shop owner his situation and that he would rather cover his head and leg with a costume instead instead of exploiting his apparent problems.

So, the shop owner comes back with a lifeguard costume. The man says, "No, no. That will show off my peg leg. I can't hide it with that. Try again."

So the shop owner leaves and comes back with a monk costume And again the man says, "No, no. I can't wear that. It will make people notice my head."

Obviously pissed off, the shop owner leaves and comes back with a five-pound bag of caramels, gives it to the man and says, "Here. Just take this."

Confused, the man says, "What am I supposed to do with a bag of caramels?"

Smiling, the shop owner says, "Take home this bag of caramels, melt them, pour it all over your body, stick that peg leg up your arse and tell everyone you're a caramel apple."

One line jokes-Roll on Deodorant

You are so bald that when you wear a turtleneck you look like a Roll on Deodorant.

Really funny jokes-No horse riding experience

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears incomplete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse round the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!! Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse!

Funny jokes-Yoga treatment

A boy had a bad habit of smoking.

His parents sent him to yoga classes for treatment

Now...

He can smoke with his feet too!

Hilarious jokes-Gas

I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Really funny jokes-Who's on First?

Here is a transcript of the famous 'who's on first' dialogue between Lou Costello and Bud Abbott.


LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows?

BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --

LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --

LOU: You know the fellows' names?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, then who's playin' first.

BUD: Yes

LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first base.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?

BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.

LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?

BUD: That's the man's name!

LOU: That's who's name?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The first baseman.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?

BUD: Certainly.

LOU: Then who's playing first?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.

LOU: Who is?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So who gets it?

BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

LOU: Who's wife?

BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.

LOU: Who does?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.

BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.

LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.

BUD: Well, don't change the players around.

LOU: I'm not changing nobody.

BUD: Now, take it easy.

LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?

BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.

LOU: How could I get on third base?

BUD: You mentioned his name.

LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

BUD: No, Who's playing first.

LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?

BUD: Well what do you want me to do?

LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?

BUD: What's on second.

LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: He's on third.

LOU: There I go back on third again.

BUD: Well, I can't change their names.

LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.

BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.

LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.

BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: THIRD BASE!

LOU: You got an outfield?

BUD: Oh, sure.

LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?

BUD: Oh, absolutely.

LOU: The left fielder's name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.

BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field.

BUD: Who's playing first.

LOU: Stay out of the infield!

BUD: Don't Don't mention any names out here.

LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?

BUD: What is on second.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.

LOU: And the left fielder's name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: Because.

BUD: Oh he's Center Field.

LOU: (whimpers) Center field.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.

BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: You don't want to tell me today?

BUD: I'm tell you, man.

LOU: Then go ahead.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: What time?

BUD: What time what?

LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --

LOU: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"

BUD: Then why come up here and ask?

LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.

BUD: What's on second.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!

LOU: You gotta Catcher?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: The Catcher's name?

BUD: Today.

LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.

BUD: Now you've got it.

LOU: That's all. St. Louis hat a couple of days on their team.

BUD: Well I can't help that.

LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.

BUD: I know that.

LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

BUD: Well I might arrange that.

LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!

BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.

LOU: is to throw it to first base.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now who's got it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Who has it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: Now you've got it.

LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: All right.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don't you throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.

LOU: That's what I said.

BUD: You did not.

LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: That's what I'm saying.

BUD: You're not saying that.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You throw it to Who!

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.

LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

BUD: Now don't get excited.

LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base--

BUD: Then Who gets it.

LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!

BUD: That's it. All right now. Take it easy.

LOU: Hrmmph.

BUD: Hrmmph.

LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.

BUD: Uh-huh.

LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.

BUD: Yeah. It could be.

LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.

BUD: What did you say.

LOU: I said "I don't give a darn."

BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!

LOU: ABBOTT!

Clean jokes-Sumo wrestler

Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.

The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland !''

The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!''

The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''

Hilarious jokes-Horse race

George said to Fred, 'I put $20 on a horse last week and he came in at twenty five to one.',

'Wow! you must be loaded', said Fred.

'Not really' said George, 'the rest of the field came in at twelve thirty.'

Really funny jokes-No fish under ice

This happened to Linda Strauss when she decided to go ice fishing. She did a lot of research on the subject, and finally, after getting all the essential equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, "There are no fish under the ice." Startled, Linda Strauss moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice." Linda Strauss , now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to cut her ice-hole.

The voice rang out once more, "There are no fish under the ice."Linda Strauss, stopped, looked upwards and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager."

Hilarious jokes-Bridal

Rick, a young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend decided to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks
'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' '

'No thanks' says the jockey 'I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'

SMS jokes-Serve

Betty: Tell me what can you serve but never savour?

Ron: A tennis ball!

Really funny jokes-How's your job?

Some short office jokes to entertain you......

Laurel: How's your job at the watch company?
Hardy: Only time will tell.

Tom: How's your job at the banana company?
Jerry: I keep slipping up.

Santa: How's your job on the new highway?
Banta: I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.

Turner: How's your job at the travel agency?
Hooch: I'm going nowhere.

Beavis: How's your job at the swivel chair company?
Butthead: It makes my head spin!

Calvin: How's your job at the lemon juice company?
Hobbes: I've had bitter jobs.

Garfield: How's your job at the pie company?
Odie: It didn't pan out.

Laurel: How's your job at the balloon factory?
Hardy: We can't keep up with inflation.

Tom: How's your job at the crystal ball company?
Jerry: I'm making a fortune.

Santa: How's your job at the history book company?
Banta: There's no future in it.

Turner: How's your job at the clock company?
Hooch: I'm having second thoughts about it.

Beavis: How's your job on the farm?
Butthead: Problems keep cropping up.

Calvin: How's your job at the sewing shop?
Hobbes: Hanging on by a thread.

Garfield: How's your job at the eye glasses clinic?
Odie: I have clear job objectives.

Short funny jokes-Hit by lightning

Tom : I witnessed a live band play their music in a thunderstorm, and guess who got  hit by the lightning?

Jerry : The conductor.

Really funny jokes-Deal with Bank

Martin had a drink too many at the pub and had also run out of money. But that did not stop him from ordering for more. So he said to the bartender, "C'mon Dan, give me a few more drinks. I'll pay you next week, I promise."


"Look," said Dan the bartender pointing out the window. "Can you see that building across the road?"

"Yes, I do. What about it?" said Martin.

"Well, that is the National Bank, and I had a deal with them" said Dan.

"What kind of deal?" Martin blurted.

"The pact was that they'll not sell booze, and I will not lend money." replied Dan.

Animal jokes-Inside

Tom : Why do mommy kangaroos hate rainy days?

Jerry : Because then the kids have to play inside.

One line jokes-So bald

A co-actor taunted Vin Diesel by saying: 
You are so bald, I can see what you're thinking.

Really funny jokes-Unused textbook for sale

In my college, posters offering used textbooks for sale are pasted on the college notice board at the beginning of each trimester.

One of them read: "Introduction to Marketing, $12, never used."
The card was signed, "Seller in hurry."

The next day a note had been added: "Fair price. Are you sure it's never been used?" Signed, "Prospective buyer."

Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" Signed, "Professor who graded his exam."

Clean jokes-City boy

Justin, a city kid went on his first camping trip with the scouts. He was eating his lunch under the shade of a tree when an old man came along.

'It smells like rain,' the old man said to the boy.

Justin replied, 'I was told it was lemonade.'

Really funny jokes-Sensitive stuff

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'

'Shane's wife gave it to me.'

Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow."

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

Short funny jokes-Scared of water

Donald: It's strange to find my wife so scared of water.

Tony: How do you find out?

Donald: I reached home early from work yesterday and found her in the bath tub with the security guard!

Really funny jokes-Little Johnny's school days

Miss Patricia decided to start her class with a new assignment, so she began writing furiously on the blackboard. The assignment being a big one, she had to stretch herself to write from the top of the board.

She heard a chuckle and instantly recognized the voice. She turned around and demanded, "What did you find so funny, Jerry?"

Jerry replied, "I just saw one of your garters."

Miss Patricia thundered, "Get out of my class this very moment and I don't want to see your face for a full week."

She turned back to writing on the blackboard. She had omitted to write the title of the chapter due to the distraction, so she stretched harder to scribble on the top of the board. A louder giggle echoed in the room and she quickly turned around to ask, "Will you share the joke with the class, Mike?"

Mike replied sheepishly, "I just saw both of your garters."

She shouted, "Get out of my class. And stay out for a month."

Embarrassed by the happenings, she dropped the marker and as she bent over to pick it up, Miss Patricia heard loud laughter. As she prepared herself for another round of firing, she noticed Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going, young man?" Miss Patricia boomed.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Hilarious jokes-Pilot in trouble

A desperate pilot contacts tower to say, "I am in a situation - 400 miles from land, 500 feet over water and fast running out of fuel. Please give instructions! "

"Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, which art in heaven...'"

French jokes

Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France?
Because she has only one arm raised.

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The Army.

Really funny jokes-Rod and reel

Anita walks into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

Anita didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $25.00".

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $30.50."

Anita says, "But didn't you say it was $25.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $25.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Funny jokes-My bed

Lucy was sitting on a park bench, when a beggar appeared out of nowhere and said to her, "Sweetheart, let's have some fun!"

Lucy was furious and shouted, "How dare you say such a thing?"

The beggar commented, "Then what are you doing on my bed?"

Kids jokes-Soldiers in your cup

Mary was surprised by her 8 year old grandson one morning when he got coffee for her while she was still in bed.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Sweetheart, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

(It's a play in an old coffee commercial where the slogan was, "The best part of waking up is Folger's in your cup.") 

Really funny jokes-Waiting in line

Waiting in Line

I am listing below a host of reasons to thank to all the hyper-markets like Wal-Mart, K-Mart, for having 20 to 25 checkout lanes and only four open at any given point of time.

- Waiting in long queues keeps my domestic brain from going completely redundant - there's so much to discover!

- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.

- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 16 things on my list I forgot.

- I can be one of those irritating cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Daisy.

- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.

- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.

- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.

- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.

- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.

- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.

- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.

- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.

- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.

Short funny jokes-Handsome face

After accepting an invitation to dance with a rather prematurely balding man, Kate, 25 years of age, wanted to lighten the mood and said, "Well, God was good to you, gave you a handsome face and room for another one."

Clean jokes-Spelling problem

A young boy went to an office to be interviewed for a job, and was asked his full name.

"Karthik Ganesan Muthuswamy," he replied.

"How do you spell that?" asked the rattled manager.

"Well...sir........can't you just put it down without spelling it?"

Really funny jokes-Final list of things to do in the Library

A final list of things you can do in the LIBRARY..

1. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, “Never mind.

2. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, “BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. .

3. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, “Your just jealous ‘cause the voices are talking to ME!!!?

4. Say, “Who’s Freddie??Then act like you didn’t say anything.

5. Say, “Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!

6. Introduce your self by saying, “Hi! I’d like a hamburger, and a green South America please.?When they ask what your problem is, say, “Ohh, your not my fairy god mother? I’m sorry, he must have flown into the bookcases. Bye!?and run off.

7. Continuously rub a book while chanting, “Come out, come out. I know you’re in there!?When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m calling the book genie out!?/font>

8. Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask, “Will you sign my autograph?!??Make sure you say MY.

9. Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they ask what you’re doing, say happily, “I’m roosting!?

10. Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m counting my brain cells!?

11. Stick a ‘kick me?sing on your back, and accuse them of putting it their.

12. Repeat every thing they say to you.

13. Ask them, “Have you ever had an orange juice bath??When they look at you strangely, say, “What??

14. Look up suddenly and yell, “Ohh no!? When they ask you what happened, say, “Nothing.?Then do it again.

15. Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, “Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?!?

16. Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in astonishment, “Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy who came up with that musta been a genius!!

17. Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.

18. Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal other wise.

19. Say to him/her, “You have the right to remain silent!?

20. Pat your stomach and say, “Whoa. Human extremities do not settle well.?

21. Get a child’s book like “Green Eggs and Ham?and complain that there is no glossary.

22. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, “Wow! Did you know that ‘affirmative?and ‘yes? mean the same thing??

23. Say, “Omph!?like you were just shot, and while smushing a ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, “What? How’d this stain get here??while motioning to the ketchup.

Short funny jokes-Bald teacher

What do you call an English teacher, five feet tall, covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald?

Sir!

Animal jokes-Drink in cafe

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."

Really funny jokes-True Believers

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.


One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."