Hilarious jokes-Story line

Jany was reading a story from a book to her daughter. The daughter interrupted: “Mom, why does every story start with ‘Once upon a time’? Isn’t there any other line?”

Mom: “Sure there is. There's another line which begins like ‘Dear, there is a meeting in the office and I will be late.....’”

Funny jokes-Abstract noun

The English teacher Mrs. Brown was teaching nouns on a Wednesday morning. She said to her class, "An abstract noun is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Who can give give me an example of one?"

"I can," said Sam, a teenager. "My father's new car."

Really funny jokes-General director

Mark met his former class-mate, Bruce and they had a good talk about their school days.

The topic diverted to their current occupations.

“I am a general director of my own company,” boasted Bruce.

“But I came to know from common friends that you were just a director,” said Mark.

“It was earlier when I was alone, but now I hired a guy, and there are two people in the company - he is the director, and I am the general director.”

Hilarious jokes-Market broker

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained Amy, my yoga batch mate and the wife of a stock market broker. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

Really funny jokes-Biggest feet

Val, a Norwegian, had a son, Val Junior who was studying in the fourth standard. One day Val Junior returned from school and asked his father: “I have the biggest feet in the fourth grade, is it because I am a Norwegian?”

Val Senior: “No. It’s because you are eighteen.”

One line jokes-When baking

Include your children when baking your cookies.

Hilarious book titles

Hilarious Book Titles

1) Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself (A book for woodworkers)

2) Knitting with Dog Hair

3) Wood Carving with a Chain Saw

4) Drying Flowers With A Microwave

5) Nuclear War: What's In It For You?

6) How Green were the Nazis?

7) Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them

8) How to Avoid Huge Ships

9) Bomb Proof Your House

10)Waterproofing Your Child

Short funny jokes-Dizzy

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.

As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Really funny jokes-Pull Over

Sara was driving home from work when she noticed a Policeman following her.

"Pull over!" the cop announced.

Sara pulled over and rolled down the window as the officer approached her.

"You were exceeding the speed limit, Ma'am," the police officer said. "You are also not wearing your seat belt. I'm going to have to write you a ticket." He then wrote her $25.00 ticket.

Back home, Sara was wondering how she was going to explain this to her husband who would no doubt notice the fee in their checkbook. Suddenly she had a bright idea.

Opening the checkbook register, she made the following entry: One Pullover, $25.00.

Cancer Research

Peter was walking down 35th Street in New York city when he was approached by a woman with a clipboard.

"Good morning, sir," she said. Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"

"Just a few minutes?" Peter asked.

"Just a few minutes," the woman replied.

"Okay," Peter said, "But we're not going to get much done."

How old?

An employer was taking interview of a prospective candidate.

Employer: “Have you ever worked anywhere else?”

Candidate: “Yes, sir.”

Employer: “For how long?”

Candidate: “Twenty years.”

Employer: “And how old are you?”

Candidate: “Twenty five years, sir.”

Employer: “How is it possible that you are all of twenty five and you have worked for twenty years?”

Candidate: “I was taking overtime into consideration, sir.”

Hilarious jokes-Fix the mailbox

Rosy said to her husband, "Tim, could you please fix the mailbox for me?"

Tim asked, "What happened to the mailbox?"

Rosy replied, "The post is beginning to rot. It needs a new post, but save the box."

Tim said, "All right, let me see what I can do."

When Tim walked to the end of the driveway, he realized that the post to the mailbox was indeed in bad shape. To free the box from the post, he pulled out all the nails except for one that had rust on it and just wouldn't come out. He wrapped his arms around the box in a bear hug and began trying to yank it off.

Just then a passerby, who noticed the entire episode, commented, "I tried that but it doesn't work. The bills just keep on coming!"

Really funny jokes-Children of Movie stars

The children of two movie actresses were talking.

Tina: “Somebody told me you have a new father, how is he?”

Rita: “Really nice. Come to my place, you can meet him. I am sure you will like him.”

Tina: “I have already met him. Last year, he was my father too.”

Really funny jokes-Women and gossip

Rita noticed that her friend, Julie, who was standing at a distance, was having a conversation with another friend. Judging by their gestures, Rita suspected that the conversation involved a secret.

When the other woman left, Rita walked up to Julie ans asked "What did she tell you?"

"Now you know I never repeat gossip," said Julie.

"All right," Rita sighed.

Immediately, Julie whispered, "So listen carefully the first time!"

Short funny jokes-Phone number

Guess what happened when I requested an economist to give me his phone number - i got an estimate.

Clean jokes-English Channel

Mrs. Kapoor, the English teacher asked a student in class, "Rahul, where is the English Channel?"

Rahul replied, "No idea Madam, our television doesn't pick it up."

Discourage business

When Peter found that his printer was giving faded prints, he took it to a local repair store dealing in computers and printers. A friendly guy at the counter told Peter that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. The counter guy further said that the store charged $40 for such services, and therefore, it would be a better idea for Peter to read the printer's manual and try doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his openness, Peter asked, "Is your boss aware that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the guy at the counter replied sheepishly. "We make a lot more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things on their own first."

Short funny jokes-Zebra crossing

A policeman at a traffic junction noticed a jay walker and decided to catch him.

The policeman said, "Can you explain why you are trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 25 meters away?"

'Well,' replied the jay walker, "I hope it's having better luck than me."

Warning Signs that you are spending too much time Online

Warning Signs that you are spending to much time Online 

# Tech Support calls "YOU" for queries.

#. When an office colleague shares a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.

# You discover yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.


# You like to have your lunch in front of the computer.

# Your children are used to eating cereal in all their meals.

# When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "screaming" at you.

# When at work, your senior frequently reminds you that the word "i" should be capitalized.

# You barely notice anymore when someone has a typo.

# You discontinue talking in full sentences.

# You fail to type with proper capitalization or punctuation.

# You have formed the habit of double clicking your TV remote.

# You dream in codes.

# You have an identity crisis when you learn of someone using a screen name close to your own.

# You are confused as to who you are, having changed your screen names so many times.

# You say "Scroll up" when a friend asks, "What did you say?"

One line jokes-Contortionist

The show host declared to the packed audience that he would be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who said he could no longer make ends meet.

Really funny jokes-Victim’s relative

Bob had just finished his course in journalism and joined a newspaper agency. His boss sent him out on field to get some exciting news. At one place, he saw a mob gathered in a tight circle. He learnt that there was a fatal accident. Bob tried to get inside the circle but could not. He had a bright idea and shouted: “Move over, move over, I am related to the victim.”

Immediately, the crowd made space for him. Pleased with his own quick wit, Bob proceeded and reached the spot and guess what?

He saw a donkey lying dead.

Kids jokes-Sales call

Dean, an electronics salesman, makes a sales call and a little kid answers the phone.

Dean: Hello, little fellow. Can I speak to your mother?

Little kid : She is not at home.

Dean: Well, is anyone else at home?

Little kid: Ya, my sis.

Dean: Okay. May I speak to her?

Little kid: All right.

There was a long silence. Then:

Little kid: Hello?

Dean: Oh, it’s you again. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Little kid: I tried. The trouble is, I can’t get her out of the playpen.

Funny jokes-Huge wife

Dave said to his friend Peter, "My wife is so huge, she was relaxing on the beach when the coastguard asked her to move because the tide was waiting to come in."

Peter, not to be left behind, replied, "You got to hear about my wife then. She is so big, she was sitting on the beach the other day when Greenpeace tried to refloat her."

One line jokes-Intoxicated

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Really funny jokes-Expected apology

On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."

Blood flow

A physical instructor was giving practical demonstrations of various physical positions. He stood on his head and blood ran to his head making his face turn red. Later he asked: “When I turned upside down, blood ran to my face. Now tell me, why the same thing does not happen when I am on my feet?”

A back bencher replied: “May be because your feet are not empty?”

Adult jokes-Don't overdo

A twelve year old boy was charged for raping a twenty year old girl. It was an open and shut casew. There were many witnesses to testify the incident. There was no one to defend the boy. After a few hearings the judge was certain to announce the boy guilty that final day. 

A lady advocate took pity on the boy and decided to defend him, though the case was as good as lost. She thought, at least the kid would have some solace that somebody tried to save him. She argued the case as best as she could but she knew that it was futile. Not one to give up easily, she requested the judge: “Your honor, I have one more point to prove the boy’s innocence. But I don’t want the boy to be embarrassed in front of so many people. Already the boy has gone through so much. I request Your Honor to see the evidence in the privacy of your chamber. We don’t mind the prosecutors accompanying us.”
 

The judge agreed. In the chamber, the lady unzipped the boy’s pants, took out his limp membrane, shook it vigorously and said: “See Judge, how on earth, a kid so small, can rape a twenty year old woman? He can’t even get an erection.” 

And she went on to shake the boy’s tool again to prove her point. The boy whispered: “Madam, don’t overdo it. We will lose the case.”

Collar size

Dean was suffering from bad health for some time. His eyes bulged out, his throat was swollen and he made peculiar sounds when he spoke.
 

The doctor declared that Dean did not have long to live. Undaunted, Dean decided to live life king size till the end. He ordered the best wines and food. He went to a tailor and ordered new shirts, trousers and suit. The tailor suggested 16 size collar. Dean insisted that he would prefer to have size 14 as he always wore that size.
 

The tailor suggested: “Fine sir, if you insist, I can give you size 14, but I must warn you that your size is 16. If I give you 14, your eyes will bulge out, your throat will swell and you will make croaking sound when you speak."

Hilarious jokes-Too long in the toilet

Little Tommy was sitting on the toilet pot. His mother thought he was taking too long, so she went into the bathroom to check on him. Tommy was there sitting on the toilet seat reading a book. But every few seconds, he would put the book down, grab the toilet seat with one hand, and hit himself on top of the head with the other hand.

His mother found this strange and asked: "Tommy, are you okay? You've been in here for a while."

Little Tommy replied, "I'm fine, mom, I just haven't done my potty yet."

His mother said, "That's all right, sweety, you can stay here for some more time, but why do you keep hitting yourself on the head?"

Little Tommy replied: "Works for ketchup."

Short funny jokes-Old and bent

Pete, an old frustrated patient, at the hospital asks the doctor, "Doc, is there anything worse than being old and bent?"

The Doctor: replies, "Of course there there is - being young and broke."

Kids jokes-Growing hair

While giving a bath to Neel, my 4-year-old son, I was applying shampoo to his hair and noticed how fast his hair was growing.

I mentioned this to him and told him he needed a haircut again.

Pondering over the problem, he came up with a solution and said, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

Cold outside!

Jacob was fast asleep in bed with his wife Naomi. Suddenly, Naomi woke him up and said, "Please close the window. It’s cold outside." 

Jacob groaned and turned over.

Naomi nudged him again and insisted, "Please close the window. It’s cold outside."
 

Jacob forced himself up and shut the window. "Does that make it warm outside?"

Twitter and politics

The Library of Congress has collaborated with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents. Now you know why Congress is so busy.


The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will also include tweets from Razorasher, who loves to share his homemade marshmallow recipe.

Really funny jokes-Speeding cars

A village was facing a problem of speeding cars resulting in accidents every now and then.

The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down Old People's Home. It had no effect.

At the next meeting, it was decided to work on the paternal instincts and put up a sign:
Danger - Children at Play.
No discernible reduction in traffic speed.

Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with:
Cloth-less Colony.

As a result of the notice, white vans and lorries crawl throughout the village now.

Animal jokes-Dogs and masters

Two dogs were discussing their lives and their masters in general. The first dog whose owner was a speaker in the House of Parliament said: “My master is a speaker of the House, responsible for maintaining discipline in the House. When I bark consistently, he keeps repeating "'Please….please….silence please.' It’s so funny."

The second dog said: “Your master at least speaks to you. Mine is an MP (Member of Parliament). He keeps barking like us dogs at every one including me. To add insult to injury, he has put a board on his gate ‘Beware of dog.’ Talk about his audacity.

Doctor jokes-Tooth trouble

Justin : “Doctor, there was decay in my upper tooth. You said a worm was eating it away. But you have pulled out my lower tooth. Why?”

Doctor : “You are right. Actually the worm was standing on your lower tooth and doing the job. Now it has no tooth to stand on.”

Short funny jokes-Homing pigeon

Guess how Dennis made his millions with just one domestic homing pigeon?

He sold the dove for a dollar and it kept coming home a million times!

Good jokes-Windy

I was traveling with my wife in Kanyakumari, India, one of the windiest places on Earth.  Braving our way through the crosswind, we made our way to the tollbooth where I asked a bespectacled attendant, "What do you guys do in Kanyakumari when the wind quits?"

Adjusting his rims, the guy answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."

Kids jokes-Words in the head

I was impressed by my nephew's vocabulary and said to him, "Joe, you are wonderful with words!"

Only five years old, my nephew responded, "I have words in my head I haven't even used yet."

The Clintons

Hillary Clinton says she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing a lot. 

Bill said, 'Yeah, that's why I'm always alone on the computer in my room, e-mailing my family.'''

Hilarious jokes-Baby Hair

Anita gave birth to a healthy baby boy. An old aunt who came to visit her, noticed that the baby had flaming red hair.

"I see that you have black hair", she said to Anita, "What color is the fathers' hair?".

"I have no idea", answered Anita, "He was wearing a hat".

Really funny jokes-American Pizza in Japan

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what you order: pepper only."

Definitely stupid

You are definitively stupid:

If you visit an ice cream parlor instead of a chemist when your girlfriend says she loves chocolate flavor.

Funny jokes-Too jealous to handle!

What could be the extent of your jealously?

I know of a woman who was so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hair on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

Kids jokes-Like Uncle

Announcing to my four year old son that his aunt just delivered a baby boy and it looked just like his uncle, he said, "You mean he has a mustache?"

Really funny jokes-Wanna see my underwear?

The blind date hadn't been all that great and Susan was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She took one look and said, "Nice design. Does it also come in men's sizes?"

Statistics jokes-Bikini

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
- Aaron Levenstein

Really funny jokes-Things I've learned from the Movies

Things I've learned from the Movies

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
8. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
9. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.
10. Once applied, makeup will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
11. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.)
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
14. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
15. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
16. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

One line jokes-Genetics

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Hilarious jokes-Substitute

Martin was working in a small town as branch manager of a financial institution. The rule stipulated that if a branch manager of a small branch needed leave for some reason, he had to inform the nearest city office which would send a substitute to take charge of the town office.

Martin’s wife got sick and he needed leave for a few days. The city office received a cable which read: “Wife sick, send substitute for a week.”

Football jokes-Possum

Why the Arizona Cardinals are like a possum?

Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Really funny stuff-The Chocolate rules for Dieting

The chocolate rules

- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

– Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

– The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.

– Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.

– A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

– If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?

– If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

– Money talks. Chocolate sings.

- Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

- If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

– Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Fitness Program for Dog owners

Fitness Program for Dog owners

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dogs favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged– dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog – off the couch, off the bed, out of the flowerbed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed – onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate): Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dogs locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate): Run after dog – pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmanoeuvre the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.

Really funny jokes-Pass the ball

A big boned, burly college student decided to try his hand at football so he approached the coach. The coach wanted the boy to tackle the football. The boy ran smack into an electric pole and shattered it. The coach, now impressed asked him to run and the boy ran zigzag like a deer runs for its life.

“That’s really nice. But can you pass the ball? That’s what counts.” said the coach.

The boy was thoughtful while the coach was waiting. Finally he said: “It’s like this sir. If I can swallow it, I guess I can pass it too.”

Hilarious jokes-Billy Joe, the portrait artist

Billy Joe, though not a scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew far and wide...and soon people from all over the country were coming to his home town to have portraits done.

One day, a limousine pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked Billy Joe if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Billy Joe. The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $75,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Jena, his missus.

In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

Funny jokes-Four food groups

All my life, I have struggled to break free from each of the four food groups:

the chocolate group,
the fried snack group,
the caffeine group,
and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.

Ode to a Cat

Ode To A Cat

I think that I shall never see
A cat that sheds as much as thee
Thy fur that sticks is all around
On chairs, on mats in little mounds
I sweep the floor, you shed some more
I wash the rug and you just shrug
You should give thanks I tolerate that
Or you would be a crew cut cat.

Clearer instructions

I had unintentionally become the center of attraction at the supermarket this afternoon.  I was standing in the queue to make payment. When it was my turn to pay, the cashier made the strangest request - he said to me, "Strip down, facing me."

Well, I needed the groceries, so I did as told. But not before I had made a mental note to file a complaint with the management.

There was some screaming and shrieking and I finally realized that he was referring to my credit card.

I have been debarred from entering the supermarket premises.

Don't you think we seniors deserve clearer instructions?

Really funny jokes-Things to remember during War

War jokes

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

My money

Rahul and Jany were checking out their new villa.

Rahul had paid for the house and he felt the urge to keep reminding his wife about it.

As they went to each room, he said to her, "Jany, if it were not for my money, we would not be here."

Jany kept quiet. 

That evening, their new furniture was delivered, furniture which Rahul had paid for. After the furniture was set, they took another look at the house. As they saw the gloriously decorated house, Rahul reminded Jany,
"If it were not for my money, this furniture would not be here."

Jany maintained her silence.

Later that evening, another vehicle delivered a state-of-the-art electronics system with home theatre.

Again, Rahul could not help himself but remind Jany, "Sweetheart, it it were not for my money, this system would not be here."

Jany was not quiet this time. She replied, "Sweetheart, I don't want to make you feel bad, but...if it were not for your money, I wouldn't be here either!"

The trick side

Peter and Paul were talking about their wives.

"Have you ever done it doggie style with your wife?" asked Peter.

"Well, I don't think it qualifies," replied Paul, "She likes the trick side of it."

"Sounds like kinky stuff, huh?" said Peter.

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead!"

Born Irish

A really funny joke to share with you.

A British dude asked a Scottish guy, "What would you have been born as, had you not been born a Scot?"

The Scottish guy replied, "Maybe English!"

Then the British dude asked an Irish guy, "And what would you have been born as, had you not been born Irish?"

The Irish guy replied, "I would be ashamed of myself!"

Imaginative creativity!

Dan is talking to his buddy Aaron over some drinks at the local watering hole.
Dan says, "What kind of women wear clothes that expose?"

Aaron, finishing his drink, replied, "Those who do not trust the imaginative creativity of men!"

one liner jokes

Q. What's the difference between an Puerto Rican and a computer?
A. You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q. What do you call a field full of Puerto Rican?
A. A vacant lot.

Funny jokes-Last name

When I reached office late one morning, I got the message that someone called "Robert" had called for me from the bank regarding my company's current account. 

Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Robert's last name was. I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

Then the operator asked for his department, and I said that I had no idea.

"There are 1250 employees in this building, sir," the operator informed me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

"Bridgette," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "it's company policy not to give last names."

Golf , naturally

Jim, who was about to retire from work, was gifted a set of golf clubs by his colleagues.

Wanting to the game, he approached a professional for guidance, clarifying that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The professional showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

Jim, the trainee teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?", Jim asked the dumbfounded professional.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the professional finally managed to mutter.

Jim replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"

Good jokes-Weather girl

"You never get anything right," scolded Mrs. Jacob, the science teacher. "What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school ?"

Suzie said, "Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV."

Hilarious jokes-Watson Woods

Lisa checked in at the Gates of Heaven and requested to join her former husband, Watson Woods. 

Saint Peter said, "We have a million Watson Woods. Give us a little hint."
 

Lisa said, "My Watson is handsome, has a mole on his cheek, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he would turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter instructed an angel, "Take her to Whirling Watson!"

Really funny jokes-Until the last moment

Minister Reeves was waiting in line at the gas station to have his car filled. There were several cars ahead of him and though the attendant hurried with his job, it took quite some time before it was minister's turn to get his car refueled. 

The attendant, while  motioning him toward a vacant pump, said, "Reverend, sorry for the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

Minister Reeves laughed, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

The pizza delivery boy

Danny, a college student, also worked as a part-time pizza delivery boy.

One day he arrived at Mr. Thompson's residence to deliver pizza.

After taking the pizza, Mr. Thompson asked Danny, "How much tip do you get normally?"

"Well," replied Danny, "this is my first trip to your place, but the other boys say if I can manage to get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing just fine."

"Is that so?" said an offended Mr. Thompson, "Well, just to prove them wrong, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied Danny, "I'll put this in my college fund."

"What are you studying in college?" asked Mr. Thompson.
 

Danny gave a quick smile and said, "Applied psychology."

Teacher jokes-Spell wrong

Teacher : How do you spell "wrong"?

Bobby : R-O-N-G.

Teacher: That's wrong.

Bobby: That's what you asked for, isn't it?

Funny jokes-False teeth

Paul, the priest got himself a set of false teeth at the dental clinic.

The first Sunday after he got his new teeth, he spoke for only five minutes.

The next Sunday, he spoke for only ten minutes.

The Sunday after that, he spoke for three hours.

The congregation had to fight him to get him down from the pulpit and they were curious to know what made him talk so much.

Priest Paul explained the first Sunday his gums hurt real bad, so he couldn't talk for more than five minutes.

The second Sunday was no better and he managed to speak for just about ten minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and found it impossible to shut up.

Really funny jokes-Library

A library is a somewhat easy place to annoy the people sitting around you, but for those of you with less then stellar creativity, we have made a list of things you can do...

1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.

2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.

3. While looking at your book, turn so you’re facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say "PEEKABOO!!"

4. Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and, either a) say "Ooo. Nice book." or b) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.

5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, "You’re one of THEM!"

6. Put down your book, and look at him/her. When they says something like "what?", cut them off by saying "Are you accusing me of something?"

7. Read your book. Upside down.

8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.

9. Flip the page every two or so seconds.

10. Pick up your book, put it down, and say, "Wow. That was a good book."

11. Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your book, say, "No, Jim! It's a trap! Don't do it!!" Then turn to the person and reply solemnly, "He did it." when he/she looks at you.

12. Turn to the person and ask, "Have you ever experienced déjavu and amnesia at the same time?"

13. Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny, say "Ohh, I'm sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet."

14. Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, "Hi! My name's (? and I'm really glad to meet you."

15. Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time continuum.

16. Ask him/her what species he/she is.

17. Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.

18. Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, "Got enough air in their?" or, "Settle down in there. I'm trying to read!"

19. Ask them what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, "No it isn't!"

20. Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, "Wow! That was a good one!"

Short funny jokes-Hole in umbrella

Brenda asked her friend Dara, "Why did you cut a hole in your new umbrella?

Dara replied, "How else am I supposed to know when it stops raining?"

Clean jokes-Oldest lady

India's oldest lady is 113 years old today, and she hasn't got a grey hair on her head. How is that possible?

She's lost it all - is completely bald!

Short funny jokes-Cross the road

Laurel: I am sure you don't know the answer to this one - why did the Tyrannosaurus rex cross the road?

Hardy: Easy, that's because the chicken wasn't invented yet.

Kids jokes-Learn to spell

Little Tina (sobbing): Mommy, I will never learn how to spell.

Little Tina's mom: Why is that?

Little Tina: The class-teacher keeps changing the words.

Economist jokes-Forecast

"In my opinion," joked Professor Dhar in my MBA class who was teaching us Macroeconomics, "there are two types of Economists - the first category consists of those who cannot forecast interest rates, and the second category comprises of those who do not know that they cannot forecast interest rates."

Hilarious jokes-How cold?

Robert had invited his friend Sam for dinner. When Sam arrived, he was shivering from the cold.

The winter being treacherous, Sam commented, "It is really cold outside today."

Robert asked, "How cold is it?"

Sam replied, "It is colder than my mother-in-law's kiss!"

Funny jokes-No charge

Joey is arrested and the big policeman says to him, "I'm afraid you'll have to spend the night in the lock-up."

Joey says, "Do you mind telling me the charge officer."

The cop replies, "No charge to you. It's all part of the service."

Really funny jokes-Rules for Non-Pet Owners who complain

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

They live here. You don't.

If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"-niture)

I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and won't get pregnant because they've been "fixed."

Animal jokes-Carla's message to her Cats

Carla's Message to her Cats

Attentions: Cats

1. When you are asked to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still both of you in the way.

2. I bought the dishes with the paw print to serve you food in it. The other dishes are NOT YOURS, they belong to me and contain my grub. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

3. The stairway was not designed by an auto-racing association and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I can fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of other cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years - feline attendance is not mandatory or helpful.

7. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cats' back end. I cannot stress this enough.

8. To calm you down, I have posted the following message on our front door.

Regards

Carla.

Really funny jokes-Smart reply

John seemed to be upset, so his colleague Aaron asked what was bugging him.

John replied, "It's about my mother-in-law."

Aaron asked, "What is the problem?"

John said, "My wife has asked me to buy a present for my mother-in-law's birthday. Come on, it's her mother after all, why can't she buy it? Why does she always have to pass on the responsibility to me?"

"What did you buy her last year?" Aaron asked.

John said, "Last year I bought her a very costly cemetery plot."

"Ohh....hard to top that one," said Aaron.

John thought and thought but could not come up with anything. So, nothing was bought for his mother-in-law's birthday.

When the big day arrived, she was a little upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for coming and for the wonderful gifts. It's a shame my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"

John, retorted, "Well, the gift we gave you last year is still unused!"

Perfume brands

Tina, who is in her teens, goes shopping in a mall in Dubai.

As she approaches the perfume counter, the salesgirl shows her several brands like "My Sin", "Bliss", "Desire", and "Ecstasy".

Tina says to the salesgirl, "Hey, all I want is to smell nice, I am not looking to get emotionally involved."

Twenty five years of hard work

Harry, a criminal who got a sentence of 25 years in prison was finding it impossible to pass time in the confinement of his cell. So he started training a Queen ant to perform some tricks. Weeks turned into months and months into years - but Harry continued to work on the ant day and night, for thousands of hours. It took 5 years for him to teach the ant to ride a one-wheel bike, another 5 to perform acrobatics, 5 more to sing songs from the "Sound of Music", and a couple of more years to dance like Michael Jackson.

"The day we get out of here," Harry said to the Queen ant, "we're going to explore the night-spots and make millions."

Finally the day arrived when Harry was released. A free man, Harry started out for the city with his friend, the Queen ant, safely placed inside a match box.

He went to a local bar to celebrate and to show off the talents of his trainee. Once seated at the bar, he placed the match box on the bar counter and out came the Queen ant. On prompting, it started break dancing.

"See this ant, eh?" he pointed out to the bartender.

In one swift motion, the bartender reached for a magazine, rolled it up and squished the Queen ant with a mighty swipe.

"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."

Funny jokes-White collar crime

Peter, a stockbroker was convicted and sent to prison for a financial scam involving millions of dollars. He panicked when he saw his cellmate, who looked like a hardened criminal.

Sensing his nervousness, Peter's cellmate said, "There's nothing to worry. I am been jailed for a white collar crime too."

"Oh, that sure is a relief" sighed Peter. "I was convicted for fraud and insider trading."

"Oh, my crime is simpler" grinned the cellmate. "I just butchered a bunch of priests."

Humor-Words

Reasearch says that a man speaks 25000 words a day while a woman speaks 30000 words.

The problem is with the timing - while the husband consumes his 25000 words at work, the wife's 30000 start when the husband reaches home.

Really funny jokes-Best excuse

My colleague Jordan is overweight and all of us in the office have been pushing him since a very long time to shed his excess weight. So one day, Jordan decided to start dieting and he took his new resolution seriously. He even changed his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work with a box of doughnuts from the Peter Pan Bakery. Everybody scolded him, even the boss reprimanded him but Jordan was ready with his justification.

"These are very special doughnuts," declared Jordan. "I accidentally drove by the Peter Pan bakery this morning and could see a lot of goodies in the window. I thought this was no coincidence, there was certainly some divine intervention, so I prayed, 'Oh God, if you want me to have one of those yummy doughnuts, let me have a parking place right in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he continued, "the seventh time around the block, there it was!"

Hilarious jokes-The violent intruder

John and his wife were sleeping when they heard some sounds coming from downstairs. They called 911 and reported that someone had probably broken into their house.

But before the cops could arrive, a nasty serial killer entered their bedroom. The intruder put a knife to the neck of John's wife and growled, "I always ask my victims their names before I murder them - so tell me your name?"

"Rosemary," the woman sobbed. The criminal said, "You remind me of my sister whose name was the same as yours, so I shall spare your life."

The criminal then turned to John and demanded his name.

Sweating profusely, he replied, "John.......but my friends call me Rosemary!"

Realization of becoming a Mother

My daughter Maureen, realized she had finally turned into a mother, due to the following observations:

- She developed a habit of automatically double-knotting everything she tied.

- She found herself humming the Barney song as she did the dishes.

- The moment she would hear a baby cry in the grocery store, she would start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth, even though the children were at school!

- She actually began to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

- She wept through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to her.

- She got so involved with crafts that she was considering writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

- She would spend an hour looking for her glares only to have her little kid comment, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

- She would be dining in a fine restaurant with her husband, when suddenly she would realize that she had reached over and started to cut up his steak!

Funny jokes-Parting with Name

A beautiful girl called Rita was driving around in her yellow sports car when she noticed in the rear-view mirror that a policeman on motorcycle was following her.

The policeman finally pulled her over, and holding a ticket ready, said to her, "Ma'am, do you realize you have crossed the speed limit. Give me your name please."

Rita, not the brightest of women, replied in an irritated tone, "That's just great......and what am I going to be called then?"

Hilarious jokes-Father's in a fight!

Little Tony runs down the street looking for a policeman. When he finds one sipping his coffee, he says to the officer, "Sir, can you please come with me to the bar. My father is involved in a big fight."

The policeman follows him the the bar and finds three men exchanging blows and fisticuffs.

The policeman turns to Little Tony and asks, "Now, which one is your father?"

Little Tony looks up at the cop and says, "I have no idea sir, that's what they're fighting about."

Off target

Jeremy, who joined the army, was considered slow by all his army colleagues. When he was taken to the indoor firing range for training, his trainer gave him some instructions, handed him a rifle and some bullets.

Jeremy fired several shots at the target and when the report arrived, it revealed that he had missed the target completely in all the attempts.

Jeremy looked at his rifle and then at the target. He looked again at the rifle, and then at the target. He put his finger over the end of the gun barrel and pressed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, and he shouted toward the target area: "It's starting from here just fine. The problem seems to be at your end!"

Funny jokes-Horrible accident

Did you hear about the horrible accident last evening involving a guy?

The guy was driving his pickup truck with his motorcycle in the back, when the truck lost control, ran off the road and plunged into the lake.

The guy died trying to get his motorcycle out of the back of the pickup. He drowned attempting to get the tailgate open.

Good jokes-Just one instance

Jim was getting drunk at a pub with his old chum, Bob. Having had a rum too many, Jim started complaining about his mother-in-law, how he found her disgusting, bossy, pompous, intrusive, and unbearable.

Suddenly, Jim leaned over and confessed that he had to give the old gal credit for one thing. There was one instance in his life when he would have cut his throat if it weren't for her.

Bob, surprised by the sudden change of heart, asked "Really? What happened?"

Jim said, "She was using my razor."

Differences in expressions

It's really entertaining to watch the differences in expressions on the faces of guys and girls when the word "facial" is spoken.

Hilarious jokes-What kind of pepper?

Monsieur Pierre was staying in a hotel in Mexico.

He called room service and said, "I need pepper."

The attendant asked, "Black pepper, or chilli pepper?"

Monsieur Pierre yelled, "Toilette pepper!"

Elevator jobs

Bubba, an electrical technician, was out of work.

His friend suggested he take up some elevator jobs in new constructions close by.

Bubba said, "Nope, I don't do elevator jobs."

"Why??" the friend asked.

Bubba replied, "I don't know the route."

The smart carpenter

Andy, a carpenter by profession, had witnessed an accident and was summoned to court to give evidence.

The defendant's lawyer tried to discredit him by asking several tricky questions. One of the questions was, "How far were you from the accident site?"

Andy replied, "Thirty one feet, three and a half inches."

The lawyer asked, "What???! How can you be so sure and precise about that distance?"

Andy said, "Well, I knew sooner or later someone stupid would ask me. So I measured it!"